Posted by jammerlich on March 21, 2006, at 23:20:29
Today has been ok and I've been busy, but I'm in a deep, dark funk. I even know why; but, understanding doesn't really seem to help much.
One thing is that I'm going with my best friend and her kids (3 and 5) to Sea World this weekend. I love being with my friend and her children are adorable and entertaining, but it just hurts so much to be with them. She is such a good mother and I absolutely ache that I didn't have what she gives her children emotionally. Her oldest is about the age I was when the sa started and that hurts too - he's so little and vulnerable and innocent.
The other thing is something I've written about relatively recently on the psychology board - the woman who was my teacher 20 years ago and is sort of becoming a friend. I told her about the sa - even showed her some of the things I've written, which is something I've never done before - and she was wonderful about it. Said I was like the daughter she never had and that she wanted us to see each other every week. She said I had a "forever friend" and that nothing I could say would ever cause her to run away. So I trusted a little more and told her I SI sometimes and that was like hitting a brick wall. At that point she said that "for now" she'd be around as much as I wanted her to be; but, if she saw she wasn't helping or was making things worse, she would back away because she couldn't sit around and watch me self destruct. That really hurt. I thought I was doing a good thing by bringing it out into the open. Up until that point, I'd only told a very good babble friend about it.
So, I didn't see her or talk to her last week and this week isn't looking great either. I know part of the uncertainty about this week is because something is going on with her son and she may need to leave town to check on him. Of course, that's how things should be; but I still want to throw a little girl tantrum over it. And I guess it hurts because I don't really feel like there's anyone in my life who would drop everything and come to me if I needed them.
To make matters worse, I just had an awful fight with my husband. I had to come back to writing my post. It's been over an hour since I started writing it. I think I've been locked out of the bedroom (and people wonder why I don't want to have children - I'm MARRIED to one, for goodness sakes). Actually THIS is one of the times I wish someone would drop things for me. I'd at least like to call someone for comfort. But it's late and everyone has work tomorrow.
poster:jammerlich
thread:623201
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20060318/msgs/623201.html