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Re: I want to go to the beach... » lynn971

Posted by Susan47 on October 18, 2005, at 20:21:58

In reply to Re: I want to go to the beach... (nm), posted by lynn971 on October 17, 2005, at 19:42:44

Local beaches are cold, now.
But soon I'll be on a tropical beach, provided all goes well, and the plane doesn't crash or I get hit by something, which I feel is quite possible, I mean we're talking India where, apparently, as pertains to traffic, three lanes flow where two were meant to go ...
I don't want to go there, I really don't but I do because if I don't I might live to regret it. But the kids have a driver, someone they know now and kind of trust, who takes them everywhere, and they're having a fantastic time I think, from what I hear and everyone tells me. Including my parents who saw them in London on their way from Paris, on the kids' way TO Paris, apparently they're relaxed and happy and it sounds like they're great WITHOUT me.
I want to see them but I don't want to ruin their time, could I possibly do that just by being me???? I know I'm sad here, I know I'm living poorly, in an emotionally bereft way and desperation kind of clings to me sometimes, sadness and stuff ... but they really want me to come, they do love me and they say they really miss me. And I'd be away from this terrible, sad and lonely heartache I've been living for the last two years.
But if I go, I might not live just by going. Because it's risky, I used to love flying and now it kind of feels like I'm taking my life in my hands more than ever, it's just safer to stay at home these days. But they've gone, and they're still okay.
So it's really a toss-up.
Go and risk everything, stay and risk nothing. Or everything. Or maybe just a couple of paycheques, which're EXTREMELY important, God damn it, and just SHOULDN'T BE!!!!


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