Posted by Damos on April 16, 2005, at 21:34:32
In reply to Re: In and of Itself.. Damos, posted by Susan47 on April 16, 2005, at 15:45:26
The next exciting episode. Where to begin????
Inadequate is part of it but not all of it. Incomplete is how I feel too. Like I missed out on the bit that helps us bond properly. Like I was fitted with the wrong kind of connectors at birth. Like an appliance with the wrong kind of plug. In that moment when I'm completely vulnerable and all the defences are down and that should be so beautiful, I'm always terrified and sure that they will see the dark misshapen, deformed thing that is really me. And no-one deserves to be with that no-one. And no-one could want to be - surely. I so want for them to be happy, but know that I have no dea how to be that or help them be that, and so will only end up draggging them down and hurting them. So I push them away, or crawl back under my rock so they just leave. Hold on tight, let go light that's my motto. I make going easy for them. Well it is my fault afterall.
A brief change of tack. You what I find incredibly attractive???? The nape of the neck. Sorry, just felt I still wasn't getting at the real problem. You know I only ever wanted three things in life.
To be a good husband.
He swings and missess - STEEEERike 1To be a good father.
He swings and misses - STEEEEERike 2To be a good friend
He swings and misses - STEEEEEErike 3 YUURRROUTI have been well trained over a very long time to know that the only thing I do well is F things up and that the only outcome of anything I do is failure. Hmmmm, feel like we're getting warmer now. So often I watch myself carefully crafting another failure and just let it happen. You know what's even funnier - others just don't see it.
Oh yeah did I mention that I don't read/understand/respond appropriately to if at all - emotions.
I know with absolute certainty that I am worthless, useless piece of crap. Simple. I think that's enough for one session. Thank you Dr Susan.
poster:Damos
thread:482887
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20050408/msgs/485292.html