Posted by AdaGrace on January 24, 2005, at 18:05:31
And I'm not talkin bout a horse brothers and sisters..........
What does it mean when I no longer hate myself, just am hell bent on self destruction? I actually like the smaller me, I'm more attractive to myself and others. I like to buy clothes and like to make myself look good to go anywhere, even to work. I spend money on clothes I wouldn't have dreamed of before. I buy good make-up now and pamper myself with these things more often, better shampoo, better skin care products, hardbound books, better shoes, better food, better entertainment. I am faced with horrific new challenges at work, yet I feel as if I am appreciated again, although extreemly over worked and over stressed. Sex is good again, and I want it more often, with many people. I smile more, and I laugh more and everyone loves to be around me, I am the virtual "life of the party". Yet, I often see their smiling faces and wonder if that laughter is directed towards me, not with me, and are they all waiting to see what foolish thing I'll do next whilst in my sloppy drunk slurring stage. I see pictures of myself when I have gone out looking smashing, and come home looking smashed. It amazes me that a few drinks can make my face, neck and ears red. And flatten my hair with the sweat I have created from dancing like a baffoon. It's nightmarish, and yet so very funny to others......they love me....don't they? Is everyone out to enable me on my merry drunk way to hell? Or do they enjoy my company and this is normal for a 40 year old woman to go out drinking and whoring at night? I am at the point where I probably would do any man who looked my way with the slightest eyebrow rasing interest. As long as I could get a few drinks in me, a nice tight pair of jeans, I'm good to go. I care nothing for others apparently now. I am not "beating myself up" as many would and have said to me over the past few months. On the contrary, I'm F***ing myself everynight. I'm in a protective stage I guess. Building a wall up around myself, making myself unaproachable emotionally, yet dropping the draw bridge sexually.....(did you all like that analogy? or should I have said "dropping my drawers" LOL) Funny thing is, I am having a bad day today, due to a recent development in the saga I like to call my idiotic internet interlude. And you know what? I cried over it for about 30 minutes last night and drifted of to a dreamy sleep in which I was having sexual relations with a 18 year old boy my daughter goes to school with. Today, I have spent the entire day alternating between checking to see if there are any more messages, planning when and who I can go do next, and how my next glass of wine is going to taste. How good it is going to feel going down. How I will dance around the kitchen tonight while cooking supper and how my children will love their fun, cool, zany Mommy. I am insane, truely insane. I don't want to die, I don't want to kill myself, but herhaps I want something terrible to happen to me to punish me, so I won't have to punish myself for these horrific sins I have perpetrated on the "others" in my life. I've often fantasized about having other personalities within myself so that I could function in society, but not have to be the real me. Perhaps that is what I am doing. I wonder what time and this lifestyle is going to do to this face and body. I often have said "she looks hard" like someone has lived a hard life, too much sex, drugs, and rock 'n' roll. That's me though isn't it. I've become the preacher's daughter who gets pregnant on her 16th birthday because she has never been out of the house and let live, and therefore the first chance she gets, she does it all. It's a life I cannot control anymore. It's a life bent on hell. Hot firey flames of hell, and I am just licking my lips as it approaches me. This is sick, insane, disgusting, and yet I love it, I absolutely love it.By the way, I have begun to think that maybe one of the other reason I quit this place for a while was that I wrote a very suicidal piece on writing, and noone responded. It was like it was totally ignored. But how damn childish is that? I wanted some attention by god, and I didn't get it and I ran to my room and pouted. How disgusting juvenile.
Guess I should go now, I have to put on my happy face and go home and perform. It's a ludicrous play called......."This is Your F'ed up Life" And the players are not actors, they are real live people......except me of course, I am the fake one. It's so fun to play a character role, don't you think?????
AdaGraceNo Responce Necessary
poster:AdaGrace
thread:446991
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20050123/msgs/446991.html