Posted by shortelise on November 11, 2004, at 1:06:12
In reply to Re: black dog sad » shortelise, posted by Toph on November 10, 2004, at 22:45:21
Toph, depression is the black dog, my "bete noire" which is French for black beast and means, according to my Webster " a person or thing strongly detested or avoided". It wasn't long ago I learned that depression was called the Black Dog, though I knew the expression bete noire, and for years I've dreamt of black animals.
I often have the impression of standing on an abyss, and it feels as though anxiety is pulling me down. When I was a kid, I was afraid of hills, had the feeling that there was something that was trying to pull me to fall down them. There was, it's called gravity! But of course I didn't know that then, and it felt like something malevolent, something that wanted to hurt me.
Yes, the beast is male, always male. Good observation and I thank you for it.
What I meant, I guess, is that it feels sometimes as though the anxiety is so familiar that I am comfortable with it, that when I feel it coming on, instead of taking the steps I know might help dispell it, I am tempted to take the easy way, and just let myself fall into it.
The thing about cancer, the anxiety is so much a part of me that I wonder if I can get rid of it without taking away important parts of me. I am an "artist", my world revolves around creating. It sometimes feels like when the anxiety is gone, some of the impetus to create that I felt is also gone. The anxiety gives an edge to things.
Thanks Toph. I really had to think it through to answer you and it helped.
ShortE
poster:shortelise
thread:413648
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20041105/msgs/414466.html