Posted by ghost on September 11, 2004, at 4:24:12
i arrived in kalamazoo this morning (after driving all night) after getting my crap on a moving truck, seeing a special someone one more time, having a mini-early-birthday party. i start my job on monday. i don't want to talk about my nerves.
i got back together with my exgf... we dated for 3.5 years and i called it off a year ago when i went to grad school and our relationship was slowly dying anyway (we both needed emotional help, i won't get into teh details). the past year has been horrible for both of us. i wound up in the hospital, she wound up in outpatient treatment. we both went crazy this year. i missed her. she said i could have her back anytime i wanted. we got back together. seemed logical.
the thought of me going to michigan while she remained in connecticut killed me. we discussed the options. she decided to leave her job and come out with me (it'll give her time to reevaluate her situation in a low-stress life, too)... i'm paranoid that if she hates it, she'll resent me for it, but i'm trying to get over my paranoia about things (which seems to only be getting worse).
it'll be good for both of us i think. so we're not alone any more. being alone probably didn't help either of our situations. we can check up on each other, support each other, and now remind each other to take our meds. we were always a good support system for each other in college. it was a big mistake for me to call things off when i went to grad school, and i regret it every second i'm reminded of it.
i worry about myself most days lately... i'm having more incidents with hearing voices, and they're telling me things i don't want to repeat. sometimes they're telling me to do things (something that's never happened before) and sometmes they're just telling me things so awful i won't even write them in my paper journal. i haven't been taking the anti-psychotic, though (too expensive), so i hope to hell i can find a pdoc soon after monday, when my insurance starts. but things clearly need to be adjusted-- there's no way that the little dose i was on before would combat what they've become now.
i started a depressive downswing last night and it only got worse though the night (i was up all night driving, like i said) and this morning i felt just terrible. i tried to sleep (xanax and ambien-- what did the trick since i've been out of the hospital) but i only got 3 hours of sleep from it. i felt like i had enough drugs in me to knock out a horse, and i was dopey, but wide awake. i stayed up tonight to listen to an internet radio show that usually puts me in a good mood and dozed off and on through that... i might be able to sleep now that it's over (it's after 5am)... i know i have to get back on a regular schedule SOON since i start work monday, too.
i don't really know what to do. i want to find a pdoc who also does therapy (since having a separate T and pdoc doesn't seem helpful to me) but am not sure how to go about doing that. plus i don't really want to explain my problems to my boss so it'd be nice if i could get super early or super late appointments so they don't have to know the details of my life if i sneak out for an hour midday once a week.
i know i need to see someone though. between the voices and my extremely fragile moods, i can see things unravelling out of control. and right now i canNOT lose control. there's too much riding on this new job and new living situation.
it's after 5am and i'm finally dozing off at the keyboard...
ghost
poster:ghost
thread:389554
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20040907/msgs/389554.html