Posted by Susan47 on August 30, 2004, at 9:50:43
In reply to Cot Story for Susan (and all) ((long)), posted by SAW on August 30, 2004, at 8:41:05
Sabrina,
I can understand why you laid in your son's cot. If I had a chance to be a mother to my infant son again, maybe if I laid in his cot instead of being afraid of his baby sweetness, thinking he might be evil, maybe I would have been stronger at the time. I don't know if there is anything that has the same emotional punch as a mother's feelings for her baby. Especially when she's depressed. It's just an unbelievably overwhelming way to exist. So so bittersweet.
When my last two were babies I used to wonder, should I continue? And if I don't, should I take them with me? What have I done? I didn't have any right to bring two more people into the world when I'm this messed up. And I was really messed up. And other being around me denying that was really unhelpful. There are a lot of people in our lives who will try to minimize what we're feeling and that creates frustration (I'm talking for myself, no one else) and a real feeling of helplessness, like, "What's the matter with me that I can't be better, stronger, happier, hopeful?".
And having babies and children at the same time is so so hard. Honestly, I think so many more mothers and fathers go through this than we realize. I don't know, would it make a difference if we knew we had so much company? But support groups, forget it. It means having to put yourself out there and who feels competent to do that when you're depressed?
I feel for every parent who loves loves loves their child but doesn't feel good about his/her life. Therapy and the right antidepressant helped me very much, (which in the end also helps my children) and if there's any way to get those things, I think that's a really good start.
I have to end this but I hope we can talk properly one day, I realize I've been rambling and haven't really communicated with *you*. Ciao!
poster:Susan47
thread:382879
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20040830/msgs/384072.html