Posted by ceesea on July 3, 2004, at 6:27:03
I think i have what is known in the states as atypical depression
i don't cycle i just build up to the point of no return and crash
i have been nearly 18 months out of hospital and nearly 6 months on one med, but things are getting bad again
my psych won't listen to me. recently my work tried to get rid of me and i have fought them every step and i think i will win (i work part time in a bottle shop/drive thru) and he is so happy that i am not avoiding conflict that he doesn't even consider the rest of me. i'm strong cos i am fighting work. NOOOOOO
I am weak inside and i am terrified of this, because I have been here before i know where i end up
crying on the floor of the shower
escorted to hospital by the police in an ambulance
cutting and ODing and all that stuff
i try to warn him, i can't afford to go through this again i become helpless and what happens then, I will lose my job for sure and my life will go back to me in my house scared to answer the door (I already stopped answering the phone or calling anyone).
but he won't listen
i think i need ECT again, i have been there too and i am scared because i lost 6 months of my life last time but i was in the care of a really bad psych and he gave me way to much of it
maybe if they just did the usual 2 weeks of it NOW then i could go back to work and live some sort of life without the need for the drama and crap that goes with these breakdowns
normally my psych is really goodhave been sedated all day first on seroquel now on amarula cream (yeah great ex alcoholic self medicating again, another sign that things are not going well) and i can't function like this but psych has only known me about 14 months he hasn't seen the cracked up weirdo i can be even though i cry a lot in my sessions and have told him some of the past
i'm scared and i just want the bad to go away. work is not stressing me, i am proud of myself for dealing with it and standing up for myself. there is no issues, there are no thoughts. i just feel that terrible feeling that cannot be described and i want to make it stop, any way possible. right now i am lucid enough , i know i have to stop it by going to hospital and getting ECT done but I don't want to without the support of my psych. in a week or so who knows, i will not be so reasonable and i may find another way to make it stop :-(
i am so lost
CC
poster:ceesea
thread:362757
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20040626/msgs/362757.html