Posted by Racer on June 11, 2004, at 10:59:28
In reply to half-full of life (trigger), posted by kellyr. on June 10, 2004, at 20:35:08
Kellyr, you know I feel for you, and have very recently been in a very similar emotional space. Although I had the same fear you do -- being hospitalized again -- I did tell our marriage counselor about it this week. Of course, I'd already said enough to my husband that he'd already told her, so I was really answering her questions about it, but still -- on Wednesday morning, I told a mental health professional that I had decided that death was preferable to continuing life in despair.
I'm not in the hospital.
Not only am I NOT in the hospital, I actually feel BETTER because of the discussion that followed my disclosure. My husband told me about his telephone conversation with her about it, and that helped some. She told him that she didn't think he needed to take me to the emergency room, because in the past, I had managed to rally enough to stay safe, and that TELLING someone that I was planning suicide methods was a sign that I was trying to keep myself safe. In other words, TELLING someone was a sign that I DIDN'T need to be in the hospital. NOT telling anyone, when it was pretty obvious anyway -- and don't forget, it's probably not something you're hiding all that well -- is more of a sign that you should be kept safe at any cost. That's one reason to tell your therapist how you're feeling.
The discussion in our marriage session after I disclosed my state, though, really helped me. First of all, our counselor -- who is wonderful -- asked a number of good questions about how I really felt. Do I really want to die? No, I really don't want to die. I just can't stand the pain I'm experiencing, and i can't see any reason to hope that I'll get any relief within the next six months. (Insurance issues, pre-existing condition exclusions will be lifted in December or January. I'm stuck with Dr EyeCandy until then.) She used that as a starting point to explore realistic options with us. She's even going to do something to try to get me some better treatment from Dr EyeCandy, by trying to talk to him about coordinating my care with her, so that there aren't so many cracks for me to fall through. And even though I don't think it's going to do any good -- as in, I don't think he'll condescend to speak with her at all -- it feels so much safer to know that she'll extend herself to help me that way.
In other words, instead of "having" to kill myself to escape this pain, and having to hide that decision to avoid the nightmare of hospitalization, telling produced real, verifiable benefits: when I told, I was rewarded for telling. I was reassured that telling wouldn't land me in the hospital. I got practical support, in the form of an effort by the therapist to help get adequate support from the pdoc. And while I can only really feel this as a stay of execution, rather than having the sentence overturned, I got that stay of execution. I can live a little longer, while we go through another appeals process.
Kellyr, you know I know what it's like to be without enough hope to hang a life on, don't you? Hell, I just wrote about it the other day, and answered you over on 2000 about the two sides of rereading my previous despair. I won't try to tell you that there's hope, because I don't actually believe it myself, no matter how hard I try. On the other hand, I know that any method of suicide is likely to be ugly and painful. After all I've been suffering already, I want my last few minutes to be as comfortable as possible, so that's a disincentive right there. I don't want to add to my suffering, even if it's only for a little while before I no longer have to experience it ever again. That may not be much, but it's kept me alive this week. Maybe holding on to that will help you?
And telling your therapist how despondant you are, and that you didn't want to disclose it because you were afraid of being hospitalized, and allowing him to discuss it with you might actually improve things for you. Your therapist might actually listen to your objections to hospitalization, for instance, which might allow an alternative to open up, or might only improve the therapeutic relationship -- which is still an improvement in the net tolerability of your life. I do encourage you to talk about it, and to talk about your fears of hospitalization.
And I agree with whoever said that it would probably help if your husband spoke to one of your mental health providers. It sounds as if he's kinda oblivious to your state, and that a little more understanding on his part would help you a lot. (My husband is a wonderful man, and he didn't get this at all -- despite warnings from a psychiatrist and our old marriage counselor -- until I got my hands on all the meds he'd locked up on their advice and used them to try to kill myself. He hadn't believed that locking up the meds was necessary, he thought they were being silly, that I didn't need to be in the hospital, etc. Guess what? He knows better now, and he's trying so hard to learn to understand and learn to be supportive. And you know what else? Just the fact that he's making that effort, has helped me a lot. We're getting along with one another better, it's helping me do more to improve our relationship, it helps me try to do basic things like laundry -- it has improved my life, even when his efforts miss the mark, the effort still gets an A+.) It sounds as if your husband really doesn't understand what's happening to you, and even if he's resistant, he'd probably be relieved to talk to someone who could help him understand. Imagine how frightening it is to someone who cares about us to see what's happening and not understand? (My husband has started making suggestions about my weight recently, even though I've tried to explain that it only puts more pressure on me and doesn't help at all. He means well, and he's concerned, and he really CAN NOT understand how I can know there's a problem and not be able to fix it. He gets frustrated, I get frustrated, and the pressure sinks me deeper. And this is the A+ for effort guy. Imagine if his effort only got him a C?) Of course, he has to want to learn, but he also has to be given an opportunity to learn, so that he can make that decision for himself.
Kelly, I don't know if any of this helped at all. I hope it did, because you don't deserve to feel this bad this long. (I'm the only one who ever deserves this much misery, 'K?) If it didn't help, I'm sorry, but I hope it encourages you to speak up with your T. (And look at that word: Encourage. To give hope or confidence to. To endow with courage. To infuse with courage. Think of this as my effort to give you an IV infusion of courage to speak up. I'm lending you some courage from my limited supply, in the hopes that later on, when I need some, you'll offer it to me despite your own insufficiency. You have to be here to do that. And I want you here.)
Kelly, hang on to me. Ben Franklin said, "We must all hang together, else we shall certainly hang separately." Here's a hand, grab my wrist, we won't fall if we all hold on.
poster:Racer
thread:355565
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20040611/msgs/355718.html