Posted by tterees on May 31, 2004, at 11:16:00
In reply to can anyone relate to anything I say here?, posted by Rainee on May 31, 2004, at 10:15:21
Rainee,
I can relate to a lot of what you say. The part about no ambition and always afraid really hits home. I truly have no ambition, never have. When I was in school (many, many years ago, I am 50) teachers would say "not living up to your potential" And my high school counselor said on my college recommendation "not career oriented" That was what 32 years ago, and here I am laid off and unemployed. I have been afraid ever since I can remember. Sometimes I think "why was I so afraid? what was I afraid of" I used to make my mother talk to me the whole time I went upstairs to go to the bathroom so that if I didn't answer, she would know that something had happened and would rescue me. After I graduated from college, and moved back home for a bit, I would crawl in her bed and sleep because I was afraid. And I feel like a big fat 50 year old failure.
When I read your message, I thought "she has the right to want to be a child and taken care of. No one took care of her since she was very young." I want to be taken care of too. I want to be a child loved and cared for, held and hugged. And in a way I still am being taken care of. Last week when I had my car accident, my father sent me a check to help with expenses and my oldest sister wired me money for a hotel room.
When I first started therapy (10 years ago), I said that my biggest goal was to grow up. To become an adult. Now I feel worse than before, but I have to remember that I was on my way. I got laid off 2&1/2 years ago after 18 years and it threw me for a loop.
You say you are afraid if you move on and grow you won't need your husband anymore. Maybe you won't need him, but will you still love him? And maybe you will need him in a different way. And I bet that was hard to say. I never said it about my mother. And it feels and felt so disloyal to think it. You are ahead of me in knowing yourself. Be proud of yourself, so many of us couldn't have done what you have done. And take your letter to the therapist, it is very clear and even if you can't say the words, at least he will hear them. Take care.
poster:tterees
thread:352352
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20040525/msgs/352360.html