Posted by deirdrehbrt on April 23, 2004, at 21:24:02
Last night, I had a little chat with my alters. I found out that they are quite scared and unhappy with the way things have been being handled in my life. It seems that I tend to ignore them. When I get depressed, I don't fight very hard the thoughts of suicide, and I am constantly working to insure that I have a way out. My alters are working hard to remind me that they are working to stay alive and to recover from what we went through, and I am working to ignore them.
I just don't know how to avoid thinking of suicide. I look at what I never had a chance to experience, all due to abuse, and I know there's no way of getting it back. I know that my future is irrevocably altered by what happened to me. Like so many people like me I'm mad. But I'm also mad at myself. I'm mad for not being smart enough to even look for help. I'm mad that I never had enough faith in myself to go to college, even after I was told that it was a better decision by an Air Force shrink.
Now, My therapist tells me that It's better to wait until we, all of US have worked things out a bit before trying to take on school again.
I don't know whou I am. I don't have any idea of what I might be interested in once I understand who I (plural) come to terms with what happened to us. I don't know what we will look like once we know how to talk to each other.
I live in a family that is constantly hiding things. They are the family that misses the proverbial elephant in the living-room.
I don't take care of myself nearly as well as I should. I have skin so dry that I could peel it off until it bleeds, and sometimes do. I don't use moisturizer just to keep it that way. I SI, and sometimes enjoy the ability to not feel the pain.
I want to stay around for my kids, I want to make my parents and brother like me. I want people to stop walking on eggshells around me. I want to be able to drive again. I want to get back to school and get a degree in SOMETHING. I want to feel like I have made something of myself. Unfortunately, I don't know that I'll be able to do any of it. In short, I think I either want to like myself, or think that someday I might. If not that, I don't know what the either is. I know what it shouldn't be. It shouldn't be the thing that seems to facinate me so.I think it's time to make some changes. I think I need to share more (all) of the really dark stuff with my T. I need to stop being paralyzed by fear of the unknown. I read that it's common for people who have been abused to get away from the place where it happened, but that was a long time ago, and I find it hard to get out even now. My marriage breaks up, I become disabled, and I'm back where I was hurt. I try to find a place, and I get terrified. This sucks.
I set up an interview for a volunteer position facilitating a music therapy group. That's on Monday. I'll see my T on Tuesday, and see what she thinks of that. Then I'll try not to feel like I couldn't handle it. (assuming she lets me) Funny, I would be happy if she didn't think it was good.
Dee is a mess. Maybe it will get better.
Sorry for the whining, but I needed to try it out a little before Tuesday. Thanks.
Dee.
poster:deirdrehbrt
thread:339369
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20040422/msgs/339369.html