Posted by Simus on March 22, 2004, at 22:47:48
In reply to Re: » Simus, posted by SandyWeb on March 22, 2004, at 20:42:53
> But you know what? Unless a bundle of cash falls through my roof, I'm not going to be able to complete my education. If I don't get back to classes by next January, I start losing credits because of the amount of time that they are good for. So money and time has run out. And I'm not getting any younger. Lol.
>
OK. I will start with the wonderful words of advice my Pastor gave me years ago. "Never make any major life decisions when in the middle of warfare." So, do not make any serious, irreversible decisions right now on school, work, or anything else until you are healthy. First and foremost, you need to focus on your health. Then all of the other issues in your life will become much clearer and simpler. You will see the options that the clouds of depression are now hiding from you. Your meds are not working, or at least they are not working well enough. We can all see that you are still suffering from physical depression. You need to get your meds adjusted. And until the depression lifts, you need some sort of counseling. Professional would be best, or from a church, or at the very least, let us here pull you through.I am curious about your meds. Of course you don't have to answer, but what have you been diagnosed with? I know you said you are on Celexa. But isn't Neurotonin an epileptic med? And Inderal is a beta blocker? My diagnosis was depression/anxiety/OCD. I was on Lexapro (very similary to Celexa) and Xanax when I was going through the rough times. Then my doctor took me off of Lexapro and put me on Wellbutrin. I was a new person overnight. I have said it before on this site, but I want to tell you specifically, I am not recommending anything here. Every drug has its place, and everybody is different. I am just offering my experiences.
> So, it's time to take care of what needs to be done around here. I just don't know, Simus. My kids would actually be better off without me. I can only bring them down. They would have everything and more if they lived with my sister or my parents. I can't even take them to movies because I can't drive, let alone own a car.
They may be better off financially. Let's say that they had all of the "things" that a kid could possibly want. But no mother. And a maniac of a father, who may just decide to try to get custody again. And why not? Do you think a judge would rule for a natural father, or for an aunt/grandparents? Who knows? Maybe he could even buy them all of those things that a kid could possibly want. Would your children be better off? And we aren't even talking about the emotional trauma of losing a mother added on. That is a story in itself. There is no one who can replace their mother. I lost my father at age 8 to leukemia. I was devestated. But I didn't have the added pain of knowing that he chose to leave me. There are so many, many times that your children are going to need YOU in their lives. You alone have been given the task of mothering these children. You alone are gifted to mother them. NO ONE can take your place. I am sorry to be tough on you here, but you need to picture the tears on these children's faces at the news that they will never see their mother again. That they will never hear the love in her voice again. That their mother will never be there to hold them when they had a bad day. That their mother will not be able to tell them that they can do anything they set their heart on. That their mother won't be there for their first date, or at their graduation. Picture the ache in their hearts on their wedding day, when they look to the seat of honor where their mother should be. When they bring their children into the world, they will not have their mother there, to see her eyes fill with tears of joy as she holds this precious new life. As I said, I am sorry to be so tough, but that is reality. You need to picture the tears on those sweet faces EVERY TIME this temptation comes to you.
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> As to where I am.....well, the kids and I were in California (that's where they were born), and we flew away to Halifax, Nova Scotia, Canada!! We started life all over again with 2 suitcases and a carry-on full of toys. We didn't even have any winter clothes!! Lol! Who knew what snow was?? Ha ha!
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> I don't have a church. I've looked around different times, but> "nothing ever compares to the wonderful church I went to in California. I still get emails from my pastor there."
If you are to remain in Halifax, the Lord will lead you to a church that fills this void in your heart. It sounds like the Lord still has you under the spiritual covering of your pastor from California until you get settled in a church. I am from Michigan, and I am not familiar with churches in Halifax, but I know my Pastor will be. Hold on, sister. Just hold on, one day at a time, and we will get you some support. Prayer is essential, but there is nothing like a hug. Just out of curiosity, what is the name of your pastor in California? Hey, it just occurred to me that you just may be able to see our church telecast in Canada. Do you get INSP? I think we are listed under "Mark T. Barclay" - I am not sure. You might even see me. I would be the beautiful woman, with the blinding-bright halo. Oh, yeah. I forgot. The camera people stay away from me because the electromagnetic radiation from my aura messes up their cameras. (Are you smiling yet?)
> (I also still get emails from my cop friend down there. I'm so proud of his accomplishments!!! Too bad he's still married! LOL!!). Anyways, I've never found a church here that I feel comfortable in. It's just different here....seems to be more baby-food than anything.
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> Well, I take Carly to see the doctor tomorrow. We need to help her overcome her anxiety about sleeping. She didn't go to school again today because she didn't get to sleep until the sun came up. Poor thing. I'm not sure if a 12-year old can be put on anti-anxiety meds or not, but she needs something NOW. I'm also going to get her referred to a pdoc.
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I have two daughters, 14 and 11. It breaks my heart to see kids go through these things, but, by faith, they will come out of it stronger than before. I will be praying for her.> I still think about the walk in the woods. It would just be peaceful....and there are plenty of woods around here to choose from. Lol! I just don't know anymore. I have no use. What is my purpose?? That just got blown away, and I'm left with nothing but debt and embarrassments. I'm the black sheep. I can only bring my kids down.
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This is the depression talking, not Sandy. I recognize it, because I have heard it out of my own mouth every time I fell into a depression. Trust me when I say that when the clouds lift, so will your negative feelings about yourself. Please believe that.> But...tomorrow's another day. It'll be okay. I'll just wait and see what happens. Maybe I'll count the grey hairs on my head!!! *smile*
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> God bless,
> Sandy
>
Keep in contact with us. Or else I will have to strap on my snowshoes and start walking north.
poster:Simus
thread:323847
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20040316/msgs/327222.html