Posted by EtktRide on March 16, 2004, at 20:12:29
I am feeling totally alone in the world. My husband does not understand what I am going through. I am in such a rage for the past two days that I have been screaming at my kids. If I thought I could kill myself and my kids would get my life insurance, I would. I certainly am not any use to them. For the first time tonight, I took a razor to my leg, just to see if I even felt pain. I didn't. How is that even possible? If I tell my husband that I feel suicidal he tells me that it is the most selfish thing he has ever heard of. Maybe it is. My insurance turned down my claim to see my pdoc and I cannot afford my meds so I have been off them for two days. I am angry and pissed and ready to just quit. I am so tired of being unhappy mywhole life withonly intermittant happiness. I told my husband that he did not realize how hard it was to be me, and he said that I did not realize how hard it was to be him, married to me. See? more proof that I am of no value. and being human does not count as of value to this world. one is not valuable simply because one exists. it does not work like that. if i could diappear I would, but right now the only benefit is that my kids have someone to watch them during the day, but even that is tenuous when I am in a rage. And where tyhe hell are all the articles on how to prevent child abuse if you are the potential abiser. NO i have not abused my kids, but when i am raging i am so scared that i might. what the hell? do they think that people WANT to abuse their kids? or maybe you just crack for a moment, but then the moment is over and the damahge is done? What do you do then?it cannot be UNDONE. actually i am even more pathetic for not being able to simply quit be pathetic. it is pretty sad when an intelligent person cannot seemt o get it together. whatever...
poster:EtktRide
thread:325081
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20040316/msgs/325081.html