Posted by LynneDa on February 4, 2004, at 10:00:03
In reply to Re: Desicions, posted by geri122 on February 4, 2004, at 9:20:20
Oh my . . . I could have written these lines when I was your age. I felt the same way about my Dad! Honey, you are not responsible for his moods, his attitudes, his weaknesses or unhappiness!!! I cannot stress that enough. He's the grown-up and should take the mature upper hand in a relationship with his child.
Parents have a special influence on their kids and many times it comes across as manipulation vs. love. Families seem to know best how to push each others' buttons, either to annoy each other or to help. And every family does a bit of both! What things do you think you could have done better? Is it something you can talk to him about? I hate to say it, but my Dad wasn't "mature" enough until he hit his 40s to really deal with emotional issues and to look at himself honestly!
Some people, I will say men in particular, are not capable of showing love in the ways we think are appropriate and acceptable. My Dad was so hard on me, always pushing me to do better. He didn't like any emotional outbursts, no complaining, no excuses. I felt like I had to be perfect all the time or I'd be an embarrassment and a failure to him. It wasn't until I was in college that we talked about it and he apologized, believe it or not.
The point is, he loved me, but wasn't good at showing it. The only attention I got was pretty negative cuz he later said he wanted me to do well in the world and thought if he kept on me, he was doing his job. And I was a pretty model kid - good grades, nice friends, never in any trouble, etc. It was hard to take and took me a lot of years to realize it was not my fault, that was just my Dad's way.
Either your Dad is taking something out on you - his own unhappiness or anger at the world - and none of that is your fault in any way, shape or form. Or, your Dad is being hard on you because he sees potential in you and wants you to do well. Either way, you have to understand that you grew up, all these years, with his behaviors and attitudes forming who you are now. He is partially responsible for the person you have and will become. Therefore, you cannot blame yourself. Maybe the 2 of you are too alike and that's why you clash?
Please, please do not take this on yourself by feeling guilty that "if only I was better...". You know what is right and wrong behavior. You know when you're not being a "good" daughter - arguing, doing things purposely to annoy him - all kids do that. You also know when you are trying your hardest and being your best. That is what most parents want from their kids. Just keep being the best self you can be for YOU and try to realize that the way he is is not your fault or your responsibility to try and fix it by being the perfect daughter!
I know this is long, but I hope it helps a bit. I can really relate to how you are feeling!
Take care kiddo,
~ Lynne>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Sometimes i feel like the relationship with my father is my fault. If i was a better daughter we would be better off. I feeled like i have failed him, i should have tried harder, been better, then he would be able to love me and i could love him.
poster:LynneDa
thread:284151
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20040131/msgs/309250.html