Posted by madwand on October 19, 2003, at 12:20:58
In reply to Re: Boasting about Drug abuse MamaB » Dinah, posted by NikkiT2 on October 19, 2003, at 11:35:11
I find this a fascinating area. When I am in the position of possibly affecting someone else's feelings I prefer to err on the side of benevolence wherever possible. That is not because I believe I "owe" it to the other person or that I believe I am responsible for that other person's emotions, but rather it is a metaphysical/spiritual committment; i.e. to "less pain" in the universe. I believe that by choosing to live and act in that manner I ultimately decrease the pain in my own life (by the operation of metaphysical law).
It is amazing, though, how much harder that is than it appears. Although we sometimes quibble over various PBCs and blocks (I know I do!), one of the gifts of this site and its ground rules is its invitation to re-examine ways in which you might make others feel bad. There have been quite a few times I have started out scratching my head over a particular PBC and then realizing, "Hey, he has a point".
However, when I am on the other side of the fence I try to approach things the way MamaB described. If I believe that the person who "hurt" me is on the same wavelength I am I will try to convey to them that what they said/did was hurtful, but hopefully with an "I" statement in which I own my reaction (And I do this perfectly.
If you believe that, I have a bridge...).
While we could dispute on a philosophical level whether or not that person "made me" feel something, I believe that is less relevant than the personal choice we make. When I say/think, "you made me feel...", I feel like a victim -- a little kid asking the bully not to hurt him. When I *choose* to own the bad feeling I still feel bad, but it is empowering. Rather than feeling like a victim I am reminded that the reaction is ultimately mine, and by doing so I am one step closer to diminishing it (if *you* have the power you can diminish it -- if someone else has the power you are dependent on them to "stop it"). And even if I am in pain and can't manage to "think" that way, saying the words helps. I.e., it may seem artifical sometimes, but exerting a discipline over your choice of words *can* alter your thinking. Sometimes it is a long process, but most of the time I notice how much better I feel just by choosing that way to say it.But I agree that people can and do use it is a put down; i.e., "You feel bad therefore it is your fault" and that some therapists end up doing that. Perhaps the way they should phrase it similar to the above. Not "you're doing something wrong" but as invitation to the person to take back their power.
BTW, another example might be the "paradox" of the 12 Steps of recovery. We start out by letting ourselves off the hook; i.e. accepting that we have a disease (as oppose to being a bad person) over which we are powerless. But as we progress through the steps and reach the amends steps we put ourselves back on the hook. A contradiction?
Not really. Having been absolved of our crimes due to our powerlessness, we deliberately "choose" to make amends for them and thus we are given our power back!
Anyway, I have rambled on enough but hopefully it make some sense. It isn't a matter of which way is the "right" way to look at our emotions but which way we "choose" to look at them and which choice is more empowering.Michael
poster:madwand
thread:270780
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20031011/msgs/270826.html