Posted by Susan J on September 30, 2003, at 9:09:14
In reply to Re: Please Help -- » Susan J, posted by fallsfall on September 29, 2003, at 16:48:40
Fallsfall--
> I understand completely your desire to make this all better. I really like being in control (because it makes everything come out the way I want it to - perfectly). And I panic when I'm not in control, because maybe someone else won't do it the right way and that would reflect on me.
<<My mom is a control freak, and she said that sometimes you just want to take control because you know something *has* to be done. Like making sure bills are paid even though your spouse is too lazy or even too depressed to do it. Or picking up a kid from daycare when you know your spouse won't do it reliably. Something like that. Those are the times that *I* want to take control, too. And I think my brother is the same way. Not saying that's good or bad, just saying that's why my whole family wants to jump in and solve this thing. Which, I know, is *not* a good way to look at it.>>I do think, though, that for many people (and I don't know if she is one of them), it would be very demorilizing to have someone take over when you are already feeling vulnerable.
<<I think you are totally right! My brother kept asking her what was wrong, what could he do to fix it, maybe *this* is why K feels bad, maybe if she did *this, this, and this* she'd feel better. All he wants is for her to feel better, but I'm sure it overwhelmed her and made her feel incapable of controlling even the smallest aspect of her life.So I *know* that the way the two of them have been communicating lately is only harming K, and my brother *has* stepped back. K is still filled with a lot of anger, though.
> You could send her a card that says "I'm thinking of you and hope you are doing OK". This would tell her that you are on her side (even though she left your brother), but wouldn't "accuse" her of anything.
<<I really like that idea a lot. I tend (as you can see) to write way too much, and it would probably overwhelm her, too. She already thinks that my family is *really smart* and she's not. That couldn't be further from the truth, but I don't want to do anything she might see as reinforcing that thought.>
> When I think that a situation is really important it is SOOOO hard for me to back away and know that it isn't my problem to fix. I am wondering if you feel that way, too.
<<I feel identically. :-) I'm torn. I *know* I can't fix my brother's marriage. But I *think* I can help K understand that she might be depressed and I want to help her see it's not the end of the world. But I have never seen the end, or even a big problem in a marriage up close and personal like this. In my own relationships, I *knew* things were bad, so the endings hurt, but didn't really surprise me. I have no idea what to do. My therapist said yesterday that I could give K a supportive note. I'll make sure it's OK with my brother first, but I think I'll take your suggestion and just drop a simple one, letting her know I care. Because I do. I hate that she's hurting my brother, but she was and is part of my family and I grew to love her.
>
> I thought that I could fix it by myself and then noone would ever know. If I could fix it myself, then I was still perfect and they could love me.
<<Yeah, K might feel that. I don't know why I don't feel that. Probably cuz I've *never* felt lovable so there was nowhere to go but up. :-)> This stuff is SO hard. It's really nice that you care.
<<Thanks soooo much for being supportive. I really appreciate it. I feel I have nowhere to turn....my parents are very dysfunctional but don't know it. I was hoping my brother escaped but now I'm seeing he has some of the same behaviors I do. There's just so much pain in the world, I thought my brother's life was relatively pain-free, and it gave me hope that maybe I could get there someday. And now he's crushed beyond all belief.Happy note, isn't it? :-) Thanks again,
Susan
poster:Susan J
thread:261015
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030913/msgs/264443.html