Posted by kara lynne on September 15, 2003, at 0:01:47
In reply to Re: fallsfall?, posted by Tabitha on September 14, 2003, at 23:06:09
Yes it does feel that way. I don't know if it's the child or the adult or both, but I feel like if only I had been better he would have tried harder. Isn't that true though? I keep thinking about when times were better, the first time he told me that he loved me, the way he touched my hair. And all I can think is that he will be doing that to someone else. And now I'm just older and even that is wrong--you know? It's not ok for women to get older in this world.
But the child inside is feeling quite desperate; I want to drive over to his house--the great house I would be living in right now if I hadn't done something so wrong, or just been an innately unloveable person. I was reading over some of our early emails after the break up and he said he loved me, even though I made it very difficult for people to love me because of my (I think he said accusing, or something). But he did used to say toward the end that it was so difficult to love me, as if it were my fault. And I do think I got that message from my parents, that only they would ever love me--as trying as it was--as I was just so difficult.
So yes, I do believe that I am unloveable. I don't understand why he wouldn't fight for me. I have to find a way to fight for myself anyway, even in the face of that. This little girl does not think she can love herself if she is not loved by him--maybe I can stop abandoning her, now that it has come to light. Thank you for reminding me that she needs that before anything.
poster:kara lynne
thread:260066
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030913/msgs/260092.html