Posted by Tabitha on July 23, 2003, at 23:20:09
Ugh, I've just got one of those big emotional knots that feels like I need to scream, or self-obliterate, or curl up in a ball on the floor, or SOMETHING.
I'm trying to negotiate the leave of absence at my job, I'm suspecting they're going to say no and I'll have to resign (so what?) and meanwhile the thing I suspected all along happened, my boss's boss kept telling me a certain task was mine, but I knew my boss wanted to give it to my underling, now it's publicly announced that my underling has it, which is no real surprise, since my boss has been acting like he has the task for a while. I don't think that my telling them I want to leave had anything to do with it, it just made it easier on everyone (exept me). My resentment of my underling is peaked again. I've fixed his mistakes so much, and he doesn't give me credit, and he presents my ideas as his, and he presents his mistakes as 'ours', and he's harshly criticial of everything I do, and meanwhile my boss inflates this by going direct to him and leaving me out, though this guy is supposed to be my 'helper'.
This has been a dynamic there for a while, my boss's boss wants me to have leadership responsibilities, but my boss undermines me and clearly does not want me to have that important a role, and has stuck me with tasks I've told her I don't want to do, while assigning other tasks to members of my group, which should be my decision in the first place, if I'm supposed to have this leadership position that my boss's boss keeps insisting I have.
I can't go cut her down to her boss, I know that's fatal. She just doesn't like my work style, I'm older and more experienced than her, and she wants to have younger folks who need more guidance rather than more experience and skills, so she can shine as the group lead.
So much anger from struggling with this same dynamic for over a year.
I hope they deny my leave so I can just quit.
Meanwhile, there's an 8 am meeting associated with this hated task that was forced on me. I'm supposed to wake up and call in from home. Then there's a 9 am meeting which will be the first time my underling will be officially in his new role. Chances are I'll sleep thru both anyway, but I feel nervous about missing them while I'm trying to negotiate this friendly leave of absence thing.
I talked with the HR person today, and I'm presenting this totally non-angry non-resentful picture of how I just want a personal sabbatical, nothing against the company, my tasks are fine, everything is fine, etc, etc. I just know there's no good to come from complaining openly. My boss's boss wanted to meet with me about it, but my boss was also present, so no complaints, though she's been assigning tasks away from me for weeks. The only thing I did was pointedly NOT recommend my underling to take over my position, I suggested they needed to bring in someone more experienced than him.
I just want to escape on good terms, without opening up the conflict, since there's no way to win. I can't keep this up much longer.
Maybe it's just a mistake to try to be kind about leaving.
They said they'd let me know by Friday.
I hate the anxiety about missing early morning meetings. I don't want to switch into feeling like I'm being shoved out, or leaving because I've failed, instead of leaving voluntarily. Yup, my self-concept can be that fragile, I can feel 'dumped' even when I do the leaving.
I'm having certain urges to call up my ex boyfriend even, just to get support thru this transition. Probably a mistake.
poster:Tabitha
thread:244712
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030719/msgs/244712.html