Posted by fallsfall on July 12, 2003, at 10:07:41
In reply to I feel guilty..., posted by Penny on July 12, 2003, at 9:15:57
> for feeling this way and for posting about my troubles here when so many others have so many troubles of their own. I too am worried about Racer and about yesac and others, and yet, I feel I can't be much help right now. :-(
>
Penny - your needs are just as valid as theirs. You don't need to add guilt about Babble onto what is already on your plate.> Left work early yesterday for a doctor's appointment, and didn't tell my boss though I told one of my coworkers. We were supposed to have a meeting at 10, but I didn't go down to his office, as I wasn't on his schedule, and he didn't call so I figured he had forgotten. Last night I check my work email and see one from him written at about 12:30, just after I left, telling me that he missed me at our standing appointment and telling me that he had had some complaints about my work, or my not getting my work done, should I say. Said he wants to talk to me asap and that he'll be in all of next week. Of course I didn't respond yesterday because I didn't get the email until last night, but now I'm terrified that I've screwed up for the last time.
>
I could be wrong, because everybody is different, but I was a manager for many years, and if I was going to fire someone I didn't tell them to come in "some time next week". There was paperwork that was needed, a final check (with the right number of hours) had to be cut. It was the kind of thing that needed to be scheduled. If you are in a tiny company, it could be different. Firing someone is a big deal. It is not done casually. So. I don't think you'll be fired. Just my opinion.Does your boss know about your medical condition? Is he sympathetic? Sometimes allowances can be made for illnesses (you keep going to work, but they expect different things from you - someone who has done it should explain it (or I can contact a woman from my support group and let you know what she says)).
Is there something that your boss could do that would make it easier for you to work? Maybe you could email him when you complete a project (so you know that he knows if you don't email him you haven't finished it). Or send a daily status report. These might help the motivation, because it wouldn't have to be *your* motivation that gets things done, it would be him motivating you. However, if this would feel like pressure and you would panic then it is not a good idea. Or can you enlist the help of a friend to keep you motivated?
> I feel absolutely sick, couldn't sleep last night, dreading monday, knowing that I can't call in sick, and really feeling just miserable. really miserable.
>
Misery is really miserable> I hate my job. I just can't seem to get a grasp on it, and it's not that I don't want to, it's that I just can't seem to make myself. I have absolutely no motivation, and the more fearful I become, the less I seem to get accomplished.
>
> Not to mention that I can't stay awake all day.
>
Lack of motivation and sleepiness are symptoms of depression. I have had no motivation for a very long time. One day, a couple of months ago, I had a good day (only one, don't know why) and I had some motivation. "Wow, now I remember what it is like to want to do something. Life is a lot easier that way!" Meds can help (Strattera and Provigil were the drugs that have started to make a difference for me).> When I talked to my pdoc yesterday evening I was feeling a bit better, but then got that email last night and starting sinking quick.
>
Did you talk to your pdoc about motivation and sleepineess?> My brother is visiting me for the weekend and he noticed a change in my demeanor, but I can't really talk to him about it as he doesn't understand. I'm glad he's here, but also frustrated because I don't feel like being social. I suppose it's good that I'm not alone.
>
Yes, it is good that you aren't alone. Hopefully he can be understanding enough to amuse himself when you need to take a break.> But, seriously folks, I'm not sure how I'm going to make it to/through Monday. Keep thinking about all the pills I have and how easy it would be to take them. Told my pdoc that I was having suicidal thoughts, but didn't have a 'plan' it was just more thoughts of 'wish I wasn't here...', but that changed last night. I just don't know how much more I can take. I feel like my whole life is completely out of control and I can't do any of the things I want to be doing. I can't even take care of my dogs the way I want to because of my money situation that's only getting worse, and I'm terrified about talking to my boss, and I really don't know what to do.
>
Penny, Can you give your pills to your brother and ask him to hold them for you? You need to keep yourself safe.Do you have a friend who DOES understand who can support you right now?
Can you call your therapist or pdoc?
I'm really glad that you see the hospital as an option. It has been helpful to me.
I am worried by what I read. Please make sure you get some real live help.
> Have thought seriously about checking myself into the hospital tomorrow night or Monday morning, after my brother leaves.
>
> PPlease let us know how you are doing.
poster:fallsfall
thread:241142
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030704/msgs/241154.html