Posted by jay on July 1, 2003, at 4:00:05
...Maybe that's why I haven't posted, esp on social for awhile. I have now returned to the 'land of the living'. It's been almost a month since the rid of Effexor onto Prozac change..and I sometimes feel I am the luckiest person alive. Everybody, esp my closest...my parents...say they not only can see such a difference, but 'congratulate(sp?) me for my change. Yet, in many ways it was a simple medication change. (Touch wood..:-) It's like I am still the person I was pre-Effexor, pre-major depression and anxiety, but I've learn't a LOT from suffering..hell I mean a LOT!I did have one thing going for me...a personal characteristic that led me into being a social worker...but also an extremely funny kinda guy who held the sanctity of peace, hope, love, VERY close.
BUT..I am, and was, SO lucky. Wonderful parents who stuck with me through the worst, who put up with my wild mood swings, my spite and nasty attitude toward them and life...who paid the still enormous cost of complex medications I take. Still, buried deep inside was the flame of love and peace that absolutely refused to go away. One of my own dumb faults was sticking with a particular med that not only "didn't* help, but made life worse as time went on. But all that is gone, and in a sad way so is the time, the days in my life I would have done things differently. Still..I am LUCKY...
I have now, for the first time in 5 years, started back at university, doing some plans for the future, and am going to find a way to translate my "Season in Hell" to something good.
Again..just to recap..this isn't some manic thing, as if anything I am much more calmer, and yeah I HAVE found some serenity, some peace and some beauty. My 'tragedy(sp again!..heh) seems to have made me a better person, and in some weird way, I am grateful FOR IT. Maybe this should go on the religion board, but Einstein said "God does not play dice", and I have found both fate AND freewill can interact to our outcomes.
Folks...many have asked on here if anybody "ever gets well" again, and even though I am not sure about the concept, the type of person that comes out of the end of mental illness CAN be good and life-enriching.
But...man...if this was to 'each' me some sort of lesson, or whatever, I'd kinda say Gawwwd, or whomever, kinda "overdid" it!..hahaaa.
Besides finishing school, which I now know I can do, I have my other goals, a few obviously related..which are to lose the 10 years of inactivity-caused weight on myself..get in better physical shape..and learn as much as possible about both forgiveness and standing up for myself.
I'll try my best to offer support..and being a licensed social worker..am actually thinking about setting up an 'on-line' crisis program. I am going to talk to Dr. Bob about this for advice, and would appreciate any input. Yes I feel bad about some of the silly things I did in the past, but that is gone..it is yesterday..so I just package it and throw it in the closet.
Anyhow..gettin' tired folks, so gonna doze off into a nice sleep, which again is SUCH a treat! My prayers are with and for all of you..and also for the other good people who help us along the way.
Best wishes...Peace..
Jay
My new slogan "Have Love...Will Travel"..:)
poster:jay
thread:238381
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030626/msgs/238381.html