Posted by WorryGirl on May 14, 2003, at 17:39:05
In reply to Re: Why?, posted by Eddie Sylvano on May 14, 2003, at 17:15:08
> > If you were to meet me in person you would probably roll your eyes. Trust me.....
> ------------------
>
> What's got you bothered, WorryGirl? I don't think you've proven yourself to be so horrible. I like your postings. They're genuine, and you.Hi Eddie,
I wasn't referring to you at all. I guess I'm feeling down because I feel so disconnected where I live. I wrote a post about a so-called friend, and I'm sensing the downhill ride already.
I thought I was making a friend or two among another group of women, and asked the women for her phone number and casually mentioned us taking our kids to the zoo, and she looked at me as if I belonged in the zoo, and took my # in that same way women do when strange men give them their #s, after which they quickly dispose of it in the garbage can (if they're nice enough to even take it).
I thought I was connecting with a few people here, but so many don't even bother responding to my posts, even when they are directed at them. These are people who seemed fun to chat about issues with; and these very same people continue to chat about the same kind of issues with other people. I can tell from reading many of the posts that these people have formed an e-mail friendship outside of this board (don't know exactly how that's done without revealing the address to everyone).
These are really nice, smart, often wise people, who, after helping me (cause I appreciated their responses so much), I guess have decided that I'm not interesting enough to converse with. But I miss those brief one-on-one exchanges. I miss them.... I don't want to name names - maybe some of them feel just like I do; maybe some have stopped caring; maybe they're just bored and tired. But I miss them.
Am I repeating myself too much? If I am, I'm sorry - I have a bad habit of doing that. I compulsively dwell on the same kind of stuff. Going to therapy didn't help at all with that or my social anxiety.
Eddie, I have days where I feel so good that I don't think I'll ever need this board again.
But I'm afraid that I am developing a dependency on this board. It's so cool that no one knows my real name or what I look like.
Maybe I've come across like my life is better than it often is; maybe I come across like my life isn't as good as it appears it is; I don't know.
These people owe me nothing, and I love them all, I really do. I don't want to sound sappy, but there is not one person here that I couldn't find something admirable about, except for myself.
You are kind, so kind, and I cry as I write this, because I've been kicked around so much most of my life, that now, when I'm not, and I want to sit back and enjoy life, no one is interested.
Have you ever cried off and on for days? Have you ever gone off on a rage over nothing? Have you ever felt that if you faded from this world, aside from your family, no one would notice? Have you ever felt like whatever you said, or how you said it was done in the worst way possible?When I have my "up" days, I skip around happily, while everyone gives me funny looks because I'm so upbeat. I am not kidding when I tell you that I've been asked what drug I'm on (and not in a kidding way). I have told people I don't take drugs, and they're looking at me like, "Yeah, right". At this time, it doesn't bother me, but then when I think back, and no one has called me or come over to talk to me I quickly spiral into my black mood.
I have no balance.
I'm a sappily happy Peter Pan or a sobbing, brooding shadow.
If the good moments weren't so great, I might have left this world already.
I know I'm not the only one who feels like this, but it seems like most people don't have the lack of social skills to go along with it.
poster:WorryGirl
thread:226613
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030506/msgs/226629.html