Posted by firestorm on May 14, 2003, at 2:15:22
Inside I feel pain.
But pain makes me strong.
Inside I have scars.
But scars are the marks of your character.
Inside I have tears.
But you will never see me cry.
Inside there is a war with death.
But you only see an icy stare.
My heart tells me to cry,
But my ego tells me to run.
The harder I cry, the harder I run.
So when you see me achieve and destroy. I am crying.
So when you see me make the money, so when you see me working out in the gym,
So when you see me writing these words, so when you see me drinking and smoking, lashing out at the world. I am crying. This is the only way I am aloud to cry. I cry through punishing myself.
And the sad part is I am not invincible. My mind and body are breaking down. I push myself to the extremes of moral and physical and mental exertion. Every moment is life and death. Every day is a fight against good and evil. And this fight lies within. I am working to end my own pain? Or am I working to make people feel the pain I feel? I am working for love, or am I working for hate. Am I working for love or am I working for lust. Do I want to be an invincible god, alone with my infinite power, overseeing the world. Or do I want to be the common man with a family and people who actually care? I grit my teeth everyday to make myself strong, but everytime I grit my teeth for strength, I, my soul has died somehow. Everyday I get stronger, but everyday I get weaker. My outside becomes stronger, but my inside becomes weaker. But really my outside is getting weaker, my mind is deteriorating, my body is getting destroyed, and this just getting me even more angry, which deteriorates even more. Perhaps I should take these drugs to calm my emotions which are beginning to control me and consume me. That are driving me to insanity. I cannot control myself anymore. My mind is in everydirection at once, that I cannot organize anything. Life and death, love and hate. Everything is so extreme. How can I possibly let go of this lifestyle? I want to be the beszt, I want to counquor this world, but I really just want that one person who can understand the extremes that I endure. Everyone else is so weak, and I am so stronge…but I yet I am the most fragile. Why do I push myself to these limits. Why do I want people to see me and notice me so badly, yet I conceal my true self so horribly. No one really sees the pain that I endure. They only see the money, the looks, the haircut, the endurance, the energy, the hardcoreness, the thuggishness, the sleeplessness. The power. They only see that. And I dunno, I watnt the them to see that. I have no humility. I am not human, I don't want to be imperfect, id on't want people to see this imperfect. I don't' want them to see my humanity. I don't want them to see my pain and suffering that lies inside. i want to be god, invicible. I believe tha ti can do anything. I don't' want them to see my weakness. I want them to see my power. To respect and fear me. I want them to know that I could estroy tghem in a heart beat if I watned.to. to know that I endured so much more pain thean then every could have imagined.But every day I bounce back and forth. From this weak nice guy. To this insane power hungry dictator, pushing myself to the limit, with no sleep, destroying myself to create something that is for myself, so really I am jyust destroying. I am insane. God help me.
Alone I may suffer,
But do not cry for me, for suffering is what I choose.
Every day I train my body with physical punishment.
Every day my mind trains itself is with nightmares.
poster:firestorm
thread:226503
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030506/msgs/226503.html