Posted by CygnusX1 on June 11, 2002, at 15:30:57
Well I finally did it.
I have been with a wonderful woman for two years. We are not engaged though we have discussed marriage. We recently moved in together and everything was going fine. So I thought.
I have really bad OCD. I've been on Luvox (50mgs) for 4 years and 1mg of Xanax a day as well. My obsession has been focused on the need to sleep with other women since we got together. When I go to the mall or out to dinner I get tunnel vision at just about every average women I see. All I can think about is perverse sexual acts. For two years I have been able to surpress these desires and write them off as "part of the deal" in having OCD.
Well last night I received oral sex from another woman. Almost instantly afterwards I snapped. I starting shaking, sweating, crying, and talking to myself. I was able to drive home and I sat in the bathtub. All I felt was guilt. I felt guilt from my childhood, guilt that I had lied to make this action happen. I didn't feel like myself at all.
Funny thing is aside from extreme melancholiness I am feeling from the guilt, mentally I feel much better. I no longer have that question in my head. "Do I need to sleep with other women"? It is almost like a have dropped a ton of bricks off my back. I did tell my girlfriend and although upset, she is very eager to work through this. She does understand my condition as her father has the same.
My worry is that this will resurface again. Maybe not tomorrow, or next week, or even next year. But one day. I am debating whether I should even pursue relationships in my life if this is the tendency I have to hurt. Perhaps I could do everyone a favor and remain single.
I also wonder if 50mgs of Luvox is enough. I may be in denial on how bad my OCD is. I used to take 150 but I tapered down. I am over the stigma of taking medication for this illness so perhaps I should talk to me doctor about increasing my dosage.
Thank you for reading this. I welcome any replies you have that you can understand, relate, or offer any advice.
poster:CygnusX1
thread:25234
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20020531/msgs/25234.html