Posted by IsoM on April 15, 2002, at 2:16:56
In reply to Re: Your Daughter, posted by Greg on April 14, 2002, at 20:46:38
No, Greg, the damage done isn't permanent. I'm not going to sugar-coat it & say no harm was done because there is. But you will be able to undo much of what happened & make her stronger for it with greater maturity &, hopefully, resilance.
Something I learned to do 'cause my Mom never did till I was grown, was to say I'm sorry, I'm wrong. My son told me something that really stuck in my head. He said he had real trouble with authority & authority figures, but he never had trouble with my authority. He said it made all the difference to him that I never pushed or forced, but reasoned instead. When I was wrong, I'd state it plainly & apologise.
I treated him with respect, still as the child in the relationship, but one deserving of respect as much as I wanted to be respected. My apologies made it easy for him to admit when he was wrong, by my example. He was never afraid of repercussions from me - what scared him more was the disappointment he sensed when he did wrong. He hated to disappoint me but my sons knew I never expected perfection from them - just honesty & no game-playing.
He compared my apologies to his father's. Mine was "I'm sorry. I was wrong about this & will do my best not to repeat this. If I start doing the same thing, remind me so I can correct it."
His father's was "I'm sorry BUT..." and would go on to explain why he did it, how it wasn't really his fault or how my son caused him to act thusly. My son said he had a way of bringing it round full circle till the son was being blamed for the father's wrongs. He told me my apologies were uncondtional, his father's always had a condition tacked on them.
Never be afraid to look weak in front of your kids & to admit that you don't know all the answers. We're all human & have our limits. Try to find answers together in love. That will build more respect & confidence in you as a fallible, but caring, father than anything else. It will help heal any pain & suffering & build a stronger bond between you & your kids.
poster:IsoM
thread:21990
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20020411/msgs/22148.html