Posted by trouble on March 21, 2002, at 16:54:32
Does someone have a script i can borrow? I can't do this on my own it's the same thing i'm sorry i keep going over this i don't know. am i surrounded by cops? does someone have a script? why can't it just be cancer or at leat a chronic fever, i could be pale and sickly, i could have consumption but i'm afriaid everyone's read the book games people play and memorized the what do you expect from a guy who has a wooden leg section and then became investigators who's job it is to expose these living chapters as fakes and manipulators and me. fuck my doctor old school are you listening you were right fuck him. my mom is in this room, my mom is dead and she's not going to take it anymore. i told my pdoc that my sadistic superego is battering me into a psychotic break and he snarled at me, why do i perisist in using scientific terms that i only have a surface knowledge about, that to him was the presenting problem. he's a prick isn't he old school, he's not really, but you all know my mother she needed two things from me, just two things unmitigated hysteria, b/c that made her feel validated in her psychosis, and unmitigated agency b/c that kept the household in order, the cinderella part of my upbringing i don't talk much about b/c it's such a cliche'd attempt for sympathy, but i'm sorry it had a lasting impact too, the main obligation i fucked up today was w/ a woman who loves me in her own businesslike way, she told me 2 weeks ago that whatever was going on w/ me to attend to first, and i can get back to my routine after i've taken care of myself, that's pretty good in anybodys book so i shouldn't feel like this, she did expect me today to take care of her alzheimer's mother, i promised, but i slept yesterday i was hungry too so i ate last night, chocolates and fritos first food i've had in days, a while, whatever, i had a hot dog too, ick.
then i took one valium and slept for 12 hours but i was supposed to wake up at 9am and it's 3:30pm. everyone here wants to kill themselves for the stupidest reasons, the thorny old man i rent my car from knockedd on my door yesterday i'm 2 weeks late and i said i'll go get some money and he said i see you've been trashing my car i scrawled across the upholstery "i am vietnam" cause i was stuck in traffic, late, and it was either that or bang my head against the steering wheel it's been done before, so i just threw my arms around him laughing and said i'll take care of that i was having a rough day and he let me rest his head on his shoulder i could have rented out his shoulder for a month yesterday, he TRIED TO MAKE EYECONTACT ISOM AND I, COLDHEARTED BITCH WOULDN'T HAVE IT he goes, are you all right and i laughed of course you know i'm a fucking nut, right? he said bring me my money at 9am girl, what am i going to do w/ you? uh-oh. they're trying to be nice, i kill their kindness, they give me a long leash and i strangle them w/it that must be how it seems, if i was a CEO of a fortune 500 company i'd come home FROM WORK and slaughter my children, ha ha, no, that's been done to death, but my point is if i was a winner, who became victimized by mental illness, i'd get a wide berth but being a woman, and a woman w/ a sense of humor, a sense of absurdity, a smart-aleck with over a thousand compact discs and bookshelves filled w/ suicide poets, philosophers, being and nothingness, everyone knows what i am about everyone knows my unsuitability for life is my own goddamn fault, reading Proust, who reads Proust? Answer me. Bad people, people who invite calamity, you can't depend on me, is there anyone on this board who can say those words and still look themselves in the mirror. my mom would kill me, she tried to kill me i'm not speaking metaphorically now she got down on her knees she was holding a butcher knife she was sobbing on her knees and handed me the knife and begging me to kill myself like i was killing her, the house was in disarray i hadn't combed my hair in months, it was a huge tangled knot that had to be cut completely out, unslavagable, imagine how hard it must have been to have a daughter who looked like that when you drank Metrecal 3x a day, hungry, thin, poor, she worked 2 eight hour jobs a day to keep us out of the projects and managed to keep her manicure perfect, i never saw her in my life not once w/out her nails polished and perectly formed, oh god, and i was so fucked up i forgot how to make grilled cheese sandwiches so she had to come home from work and feed the kids, i told you all this a million times at some point this shit has got to be finished.
just give me a script, tell me what you say to people who rely on you and you can't point to a wooden leg as an excuse, something not alienating or retaliatory, no superego references either please, something dignified and succinct, do you end w/ a promise? is that what i'm doing wrong, saying Thursday, for sure, i'll be there first thing in the morning, but at the time i believe it will happen or i wouldn't have said it. now i'm just a liar, a sloven, bohemian, lazy, theatrical, attention-seeking, this is a wrong time historically for all my implications, this is an age of personal effectiveness, steven coven, is that his name, first things first, 7 habits of highly effective people, Dr. Phil, no excuses, no excuses, no excuses,
no exuses no excuses, no excuses, no excuses, no excuses, no escuses, no excuses, no excuses, no excuses, NO EXCUSES, NO EXCESS, NO LOVE, NOtrouble
poster:trouble
thread:20567
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20020320/msgs/20567.html