Posted by Cam W. on February 9, 2002, at 4:07:08
In reply to Re: Cam you're back!! I'm glad you returned., posted by Anna Laura on February 9, 2002, at 1:00:26
You guys are so great! I do not think that I have the confidence at this time to answer questions on PB. Please bear with me (or in your case Nikki, bare with me?), if I do not post there for a while.
I am working with my psychologist (a fantastic lady) on cognitive therapy, trying to rein in my negative self-talk and working on refuting my irrational ideas. Through this I am learning that I need not be a product of my past.
I am coming to realize that I that I should not get pissed off at society (or at least certain people) for not seeing the world as I do. Although I can rationalize and explain to people my views (and truly believe I can prove what I say - within the limits of scientific method), I have to learn to let others believe what they want. I need to work on not thinking or saying "People should....", or more directly, "You should...."
I am also learning that knowledge is not wisdom. I have to stop showing off my knowledge base in order to gratify my ego (eg. "Look how good I am!"). That just shows how insecure I am. I do enjoy helping people understand how their medications work, in order to enable them to take control of their lives, rather than their disorder controlling them.
My psychologist has shown me that I have a fear of success. I seem to concurrently sabotage any success that I may be striving toward. As I try to make a name for myself I will end up doing something stupid in order to make sure that I fail. In this way I can say, "See, I told you that I am not intelligent; I just proved it too you!". I am probably doing this more to punish myself rather than trying to prove my failure to others. Although, proving my failure to others seems to strengthen my own irrational belief that I am no good.
My latest escapade in sabotaging my career has resulted in my literally being black-balled from getting a decent job. I am now perceived as a "loose cannon" and my being outspoken about my depression has employers seemingly not wanting to take a risk on a "psycho" (irrational idea/negative self-talk alert!). I now have first hand experience of the stigma of mental illness. Despite all my work and research in this area, I guess I forgot that I am not immune to the effects of stigma.
For example, I applied to work for a pharmacy in a major grocery chain. I actually have my prescriptions filled with this chain. Through the filling of my prescriptions and through problems encountered with clients at the Mental Health Clinic (that I had to resolve), it seems that many of their pharmacists have no common sense, nor are able to see medication use from a patient's point of view. I figured that since they seem to hire anyone, I should be able to get a job with them. After enduring an interview with them, which I thought had gone well, I received a PFO letter from them saying that they could not offer me a position "at this time", even though they still have an advertisement for pharmacists in the local newspaper. I phoned them to find out why I wasn't hired. They said that I did not have enough "practical experience" in community pharmacy. Since I have 17 years of community pharmacy experience, I found this rather odd. They further said that because I had focused on clinical pharmacy for the past 7 years, I did not have enough practice actually filling prescriptions. In other words, they didn't trust me to read a prescription (although I have been writing them for psychiatrists to sign for years) or no longer had the ability to check a technician's counting of pills. Hmmmm....
Three or four other interviews that I have had over the past month have resulted in no callbacks. Other resumes that I have sent out have not even warranted an interview. Even a guy that I went to school with, and have found 3 jobs for in the past, who now is a regional manager for a large chain of pharmacies, cannot seem to find me a position for me (unless I was willing to move to the wilds of Northern Alberta - he did offer me $100,000.00 a year to move to an isolated town surrounded by 5 economically disadvantaged First Nations reservations - my wife refuses to give up her job, plus there is no highspeed internet).
- Cam < sigh > (feeling sorry for himself)
poster:Cam W.
thread:17948
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20020202/msgs/17992.html