Posted by trouble on January 29, 2002, at 20:31:37
I reckon finding this website is the reason for that. Cutting down on my entire way of life, just to be replaced by strange and multifarious patterns of resistance, wondering what I'll do to sabotage my growth. Who wants to change? I hate change.
But it's time. After 20 years of therapy I'm still real stuck in a retaliatory kind of acting out, toward a world that finds me unfit for polite society. Sometimes I long for the kinds of problems in living that Dr. Phil addresses on Oprah, man, it must be nice-being able to keep a lid on your pathology and just TALK about it instead of putting it on display.
I have loved ones who just gave up and are living marginalized lives, wandering, in and out of psych wards, doing the Haldol shuffle. But I'm trying to go to school (for me AND for them), doing temp work and function in society. But people want explanations for my behavior. I process out loud sometimes, have situational psychotic episodes, wear cocktail dresses at 11 am, have spontaneous laughing or crying jags, you name it, I got it, and there's still nothing wrong w/ me.
I'm "okay" with my mental illness. There's been so much improvement and I'm proud of it. I even thought I'd found good, down-to-earth rhetoric to account for my social violations, in a light-hearted way say something like
"...Oh forget what I said yesterday, that was just something I conjured up," or "there goes my overactive imagination again," or even "Sorry, I got hysterical there but I've come to my senses now." And when I disappear for 4 days I explain myself by saying I have occasional depressive episodes but I'm under a doctor's care.
And they just freeze me out. Like I'm gonna burn their house down or something. So I become calm and measure this educated data-savvy American citizen who will reflexively disengage with a mental patient and can only surmise that his demons are afraid of my demons. His demon IS that refusal, something ugly and screwed up about our happy go lucky Winner. And I have an advantage over him, I know my demons; they're such a palpable presence in my life if I'm not home by 10 o'clock they rent out my room.
So I unleash all this, just provoke, until I see fear in their eyes; that will teach them to be so goddamned unsophisticated, deliberately. I find it fascinating to watch a person struggle for composure, (I DID THAT!) I'm looking for the beads of sweat on the upper lip, and it makes me happy, it's fun I look forward to these escapades.
But it's all wrong, and that's as far as I've gotten. Wrong for me and wrong for them, and I have to find some other form of entertainment if I'm going to make my peace with the human race.What kills me though is that my psychologicals CONSISTENTLY show high scores on the sociopathology scale and you know what that means. Evil incarnate. Incapable of having a conscience. Bad seed. So I wallow in it I AM AN IRRITANT! It keeps me alive and kicking! But of all my "protocols" this is the one that scares me. But I also score high on the masochism scale and I thank God for that. I must have a superego in there somewhere.
I wonder if anyone on the site has scores that can paralyze them with self-indictment. Anyone ever see their diagnosis used as an Insanity Defense on Court TV? Who are we supposed to talk to about THIS? DR. PHIL?
I've never told anyone myself before now, maybe posting it will make it less lethal or something. Maybe someone out there knows someone with high anti-social/sociopathology psychologials who turned out ok. I read biographies of writers and artists by the ton looking for this kind of thing, finding similar themes can be reassuring, but then of course one can take it too far. But I repeat myself. Anyway, thanks.
poster:trouble
thread:17511
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20020125/msgs/17511.html