Posted by akc on November 29, 2001, at 22:21:05
I did the right thing. I called my T rather than engage in any self-harm behavior. I'm lonely, agitated, miserable. In group therapy, after group therapy, in my conversation with my T -- everyone states I have lots on my plate. What is it that my mother dying is the excuse that I am miserable? My family has caused me so much grief in my life, why do I have to continue to have more? Though, in all honesty, I don't "feel" this connection at all. What "feels" like the trigger to me is the loneliness and today the lousy day I had at my job -- I just seem like I am making mistakes all over the place at work right now. And the fat body I look at each day in the mirror. And the pain I still have in my knee (it was better, then something happened -- oh well, I see the specialist again next week). And the fact that I have spent two weeks trying to get my new cell phone operational. And the horrendous debt I have. Until people mentioned my mom tonight at group, I didn't think of her once today. She seems to be the least of my worries -- she is doing okay right now (still dying, but doing unexpectedly very well).
I am sick of where I am at. I'm sick of being tired all the time, having no endurance for anything. I don't do any good for the world -- so volunteer they say -- with what ounce of energy? When I am like this, I don't sleep well, but need to sleep all the time. So I drag myself to work, and when the weekends come sleep every moment I can. You should see my house -- what a pit. I am desperate to get it clean this weekend. Not only for my sanity, but for the person who I am hiring to cat sit in a few weeks -- I would be mortified if this person (or her parents) were to come over and see it like it is right now.
I hate -- just hate -- my life. I have no serenity. No peace of mind. I know cutting is only a short-term fix -- a way to calm down.
I've taken my bedtime meds -- so I'll make it this evening. And I added trazadone to tonight's mixture. So I should sleep well -- though who knows how awake I will be for work tomorrow.
I hate my life.
akc
poster:akc
thread:14584
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20011117/msgs/14584.html