Posted by tensor on November 20, 2001, at 16:15:57
In reply to emotions dulled or backbone grown?, posted by sar on November 20, 2001, at 14:27:06
Hi,
He sounds like shit to me, he turned his back to you probably because he got scared. That's not an excuse. You do like writing? As a little vengeance, how about writing a little novel about a friend of yours that you knew and wrote letters to, like the one you wrote above and then send it to him, and strongly hinting him what an asshole the friend was.
And no, it does not qualify you as a crazy bitch, believe me I do know what is needed to qualify.
> our friendship was unusual--for 8 years it was all writing, letters 5 to 40 pages long, we spoke on the phone occasionally but had never met in person. finally, after all these years we did and for many months we had a grand time together...and then i went crazy. that's my own word for it. i moved home and wrote to him that i'd returned to my parents' house to heal, and would he please protect our city and its people while i was away?
>
> i wrote several letters and received no response...then the prozac kicked in and i had energy, i was angry, i reflected on our friendship and how he'd always called me "kiddo," how my psychoanalyst had repeatedly referred to him as a narcissist (and i agreed) *and*--what pissed me off the most is that over beers one night (when i was going crazy last year) he strongly hinted that my writing ability's not up to par--he and i had once had juvenile dreams of being writers, novelists, journalists--and i'd already decided that it wasn't something i'd pursue as a career...and at the same time, he was self-publishing these little books of poems and distributing them to his friends...
>
> one night i took alot of adderall that i'd bought from a friend (i don't need adderall, but it's fun to take, draws me into a deep fascinating tunnel of pure concentration) and reflected on things...by morning time i was sobbing, convinced that our friendship was a sham, that my writing really *was* crap and that since i was going to kill myself anyway (not over this) i decided to destroy all of my journals. i ripped all 13 of them to shreds, poured the blue and white and beige into a hefty cinch-sak and tossed it into a dumpster.
>
> the other night i was thinking about all of this, how much this "friend" had hurt me and helped to destroy my faith in my writing ability...i felt as if someone had lit a fire beneath me. i gathered all of his letters (dozens and dozens of thick envelopes) and gifts to me (books), put them in a trash can, and set the whole thing on fire as i drank wine and listened to the Rolling Stones.
>
> i do not regret this. what i've been wondering is, does this qualify me as a crazy bitch? have all of these meds made me lose my humanity?
>
> i don't know.
poster:tensor
thread:14125
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20011117/msgs/14126.html