Posted by Rosa on October 14, 2001, at 8:31:06
In reply to Boundaries/Psychlogical incest, posted by Cass on October 13, 2001, at 18:29:44
For information concerning the issues discussed in this thread, go to: The National Association for Children of Alcoholics < www.nacoa.org >, the Children of Alcoholics Foundation < www.coaf.org > or Adult Children of Alcoholics (and dysfunctional families) < www.adultchildren.org >.
Al-Anon Family Groups < www.al-anon.alateen.org > and Codependents Anonymous (CODA) are also available.
For a list of literature available go to: Amazon.com or Barnes & Noble.com.
Boundaries
"If someone wants a more intense relationship than we do, we can be clear and honest about what we want, about our intended level of participation. We can tell the person what to reasonably expect from us, because that is what we want to give. How the person deals with that is his or her issue. Whether or not we tell the person is ours."
See Honesty in Relationships, page 236-238, in 'The Language of Letting Go', Daily Meditations for Codependents, by Melody Beattie, (c) 1990.
^^^^^
> I think when a child grows up with a lot of parental neglect, sometimes siblings try to nurture each other (since they know it is unattainable from the parents.) Unfortunately, they lack wisdom to give one another and they also lack a sense of boundaries. It's easy for the situation to become incestuous. This was the case in my family. The physical incest was sort of mild, I guess, but the psychological incest was extreme. I was the youngest of my full brothers and sisters, and I think most of them had a bizzare sense of authority and entitlement over me. I have one brother in particular who still has a terrible problem with that. He doesn't understand boundaries. He does not respect my privacy or autonomy. And sometimes I feel he is physically inappropriate. He tries to act like we are husband and wife. He demands explanations for my actions as if he is my husband or my father. It is very innapropriate. Luckily, I hardly ever see him. However, my siblings and I are planning a family get-together for next year, and I am already really stressed about it. In the past, when I have confronted him, he has responded as if I'm the one with the problem. He sites failed relationships with friends and says I have difficulty getting along with people. (This is pretty rich since, as far as I know, he has no friends. His wife hardly talks to him and has told him she only stays in the marriage for the sake of the kids. His kids have openly told him that they feel neglected by him. I think that socially, I am much more succesful than he is.) He is utterly unaware of how innapropriate his behavior toward me is. My other brothers and sisters also have weak senses of boundaries, so I don't think I will have much support. Our family is full of psychological incest. They don't respect my (or even each other's privacy or autonomy.) It makes me sick. In terms of respecting the rights of others and respecting boundaries, I have a moral compass that they lack. I feel very alone at family get-togethers because I feel so different from the rest of them, especially my brothers. It seems like they have grown very little over the years.
poster:Rosa
thread:12489
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20011006/msgs/12530.html