Posted by akc on September 13, 2001, at 11:05:24
The spiral is slowly happening. I can feel it -- it is more gradual than normal. Maybe because I have more tools to prevent it. But my t has gone on her vacation -- hiking with her sisters. I think I held out hope that she wouldn't go. Listening to the message on her voice mail this morning that let me know that she was gone -- it tore my heart up.
Me, me, me. What do I have to grieve? I haven't lost anyone. No loved one of mine has even been injured. Yet this horrendous event -- it is too much for my mind to absorb.I'm trying to distract. I try to stay busy with work and with friends. But I am like a moth to a flame. I keep coming back to the net, to tv, to radio. Even though it is not good for me, I just have to know. The silence is even worse.
And it is not over -- even if the terrorists make no more attacks on us, we are going to make attacks on someone else -- killing innocents. The god thing -- one of the things blowing my mind -- but I'm trying to think what would Jesus or Ghandi or Mother Teresa do -- killing in revenge? Never -- absolutely not. Not even a person 100% absolutely involved. But yet we as a nation are likely to drop a missle, blow up a training camp, bomb a city in retaliation. And kill innocents.
And then I go to the terrorist's mind -- why so much hate? I'll never understand. It is a different hate than that of a psychopath. To believe in something so much that killing innocents is a matter of honor. That god thing -- I don't understand. I'll never understand.
Innocents. The families interviewed last night of people who are missing. I thought this morning that there are people probably missing who had no family -- maybe no friends. Who were loners -- who will vanish and no one will even know. Innocent.
I'm overwhelmed with grief. And shame because I'm really only thinking of myself. On how to not spiral into a really bad depression. Upset that my t went on with her life. Upset that she couldn't see this coming -- even though I have told her for the past 1 1/2 days that I was hanging in -- staying grounded.
I want to crawl into a hole and just cry. But instead, I'll keep faking it here at work. Trying to put one foot in front of the other. Not getting much work done. I don't know how much longer I can fake this. I'm overwhelmed.
akc
poster:akc
thread:11301
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20010909/msgs/11301.html