Posted by Wendy B. on August 7, 2001, at 11:07:15
In reply to Re: overdose, posted by sar on August 7, 2001, at 2:02:05
> Wendy,
>
> ahhhh, a clean slate! (klonopin makes me a dummy. our exchanges were becoming too jumbled & long so let's start anew (if you wish!)...
>
> right. i agree that i'm glad not to live in a society in which ritual suicide is an act to be proud of, it's that i respect Choice. Choice to vote or not (and not feel guilty either way), choice to join the military or not (not be required to), choice to be whatever you want--be it a prostitute, a Kevorkian, a drug dealer, a suicide. another analogy (i'm fond of them, plz bear with me). i have a friend who simply does not believe in parking tickets. he lives in a v. congested city w/ mostly street parking and when he can't get a parking space he parks in the no-parking zone and inevitably gets a ticket. he doesn't block other cars in, it's nothing vicious, but when the police come to arrest him (because of warrants) he fights like an animal. he'd rather chew his leg off than be arrested for parking tickets. it's the whole Antigone deal to me (have you read that play?)--from what i remember, the theme was Go with your Higher Belief; Civil Law does not mean as much. i just think (intellectually speaking) that suicide is unfairly stigmatized in the USA and many other countries.
>
> i agree with you, i like the idea of a family bed! except that i'd want to have sex with my husband not in front of the kids and i wouldn't want to roll over on my kids and kill them or have them drool all over me. BUT, i always sleep much better with others. i miss the days of sleepovers, when my girlfriends and i would share a bed night after night as kids, and in college i would sleep in the same bed with platonic male friends (how i wish i could still do that with girlfriends! but after age 16 or so it ceases to be completely okay and comfortable, for some reason.) i wish america were less individiualistic. when i have my own place i want all the neighbors to feel welcome etc, i'll feed all the neighborhood kids (supposing i make enough to feed myself!).
>
> hah hah, hem's penus...i wish there were a way to prove that theory, i wonder if there's any literature discussing male novelists' penus sizes and how much they feel like they fuckin have to prove, standing at a typewriter at 6 am and going on safari to shoot wildlife. what do you think women compensate for? i can't think of a classic stereotype, like small penus=monster truck,etc--any theories?
>
> i think it's good to research suicide before you do it. it;s a v. important life decision. :) pill overdoses can result in brain damages, gunshots in severe bodily damage, etc...i will keep sitting in front of the computer. prozac and klonopin have done small wonders for me. i'm no longer a fairly funtioning catatonic, but a human being with the capacity to bring good...there's this buddhist theory that says there's nothing wrong with "emptiness," that emptiness is quite good, and i feel as if i'm emptying myslef into my job and my friends in worse states than i am (extremely alcoholic, schizo etc).
>
> yeah, mcluhan was kind of a tool, but i liked it applied to suicide: i want to sleep forver. i want to blow my fucking head off. i want to drown beneath everything in deep blue cool. i want to suffocate by hanging. is it pain, words, thought--is it in your head, your heart, your entire body?
>
> i think mila's message awhile back had to do with (and plz mila, correct me if i'm wrong) was interpreting her desire to slit her wrists as an unconscius desire to become a "handless maiden"--meaning, she'd simply taken on too much responsibility and really needed to become that "handless maiden" and have others watch out for her for awhile. just a symbolic way to look at suicide. it doesn't always apply.
>
> that sounds like a pretty interesting job you had at 18...how old are you know? if you'd like to see some beautifual life-affirming photoes check out a book called *the body.* 100 years of vulnerable, sexy, strong, weak people--great book.
>
> "beating up on my sytem later by drinking"--what i meant was just how it feels somatically. eating fresh spinach and carrots makes you feel GREAT! drinking a bottle of wine makes you feel GREAT! it's never been a health issure, but what-feels-good-issue. Eating like a rabbit and drinking like a fish both feel pretty good most of the time.
>
> i didn't thin anything on PB was tabboo either, i just wanted to make sure...
>
> music really helps. i've thought many times that if i could only sing like janis or joan or sade or the girl from portishead that i'd be artistically exorcsing all of this from my system...i sing a ot drun & by mysekf (i;n not a giid singer)--i'd love to learn guitar piano sax everything...i' a great *listener* of music, ijust don't feel qaulified to makr it.
>
> add some artichoke hearts. i guarantee...
>
> well, kervorkian would never pay me a visit, and i'm don;t think i'd want him too! i'm sure that with enough time and money i could get my hands on morphine...but there's no impetus yet. i'm not ready.
>
> the seriousness of all of this struck me hard saturday night. i was in a car accident and charged with DWI. my car is totalled, insurance goe, tiem is running out, don' ever go to jail yall it's HORRIBLE.
>
> but maybe this one was the wake-up call, o don't cotton to subties. no insurance now they say, car;s toatlled.
>
> no one was injured. yass yaass i survived it the luck way, im am LUcky, you'll say. 3-car accident, no one injured. mine was the only car totalled. 15 horrible hours in jail.
>
> i think the only thing to counter existentialism is "spirtuality" (a word i fpormer;y haed until i recemtly grasped understadin gof it) (i thought it wa sosmnthing oprah winfery and hollywood celebs had made up)--a good freind of mine has tried for many years to "act like Jesus," not in the corny WWJD wa, but simply being accepting and suppotive--cuz who went to Jesus? the lepers, prostitutes, ect...
>
>
> emmylouis i love, but i'm familiar with her only from Wille Nelson" "teatro." my best crooning music is janis joplin or joan baez.what do you play on your gee-tar?
>
> thanks for the continuing support, wendy. feels like the ambien & vodka are kicking in (last of my supplies!) so i'post now--hope this all made senes
>
> i'm wavering
>
> hugs,
> sarHi Sar,
Yeah I could tell by your uncharacteristic spelling mistakes.
I feel horrible about the car wreck. You are lucky to be alive, I am sure. When did I post that thing about sitting in the police station waiting for the 'rents to come pick you up? Aug. 1 is the date of the post... Aug. 4 was the date of the accident...
What did i/we do here???? I have a friend who believes in "manifesting" by wishing, behaving, etc. toward a desired goal, and then things "start to happen" in the real world of your everyday life... It's a sublimely narcissistic way of looking at the world. Like: I told you you were going to go to the police station if you didn't cut it out, then then voila! it happens. Scary shit, man. Like the movie 'Carrie.'
So maybe it's good karma or bad karma then? (Good because you got the proverbial wakeup call, bad cuz you got a criminal record, have to do without a car, I bet they took your license, etc.)
I am so sorry. Are they forcing you to do a detox program or AA, and/or driver education-retraining? My (most recent) ex had to go to both when he got a DWI.Re: all the other MORE FUN stuff we were talking about - I'll write again later. Let me know what's happening.. How are you getting to work? etc.
Hasta la vista, baby,
Wendy
poster:Wendy B.
thread:7857
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20010807/msgs/8869.html