Posted by medlib on August 3, 2001, at 17:46:19
In reply to Re: Grief » Gracie2, posted by Cam W. on August 3, 2001, at 10:32:30
Cam--
Please stop trying to get your ducks in a row--adult ducks don't do that, unless they're migrating away... An alternative might be to stop trying to be the former Cam altogether.
It's absolutely necessary to become numb to survive the extended logistical horrors of death. Fortunately, SSRIs (not to mention benzos and tranqs) do a good job enabling that state of suspension. Having turned your emotions off for a while, it's hardly surprising that you can't just turn on the right emotions to the right person at the right time. You don't expect that of a *car*; why should the human machinery be different?
Instead of trying to be strong for your family, you might consider beginning to let yourself need them. Children, in particular, find it very empowering to be of value to a parent. It needn't be anything more than asking for a hug, or a hand-holding walk, or putting your head in *her* lap.
I believe that the death of dreams is an inevitable part of life. Some are lingering losses--"I guess I'll never be..." Others are sudden and traumatic--a career-ending injury, death of a loved one. One of the hardest to give up is the illusion that you're powerful enough to *make* something happen for yourself or someone you care for, if you just want it enough. Whatever and however it's lost, if it was important, the same question remains; "What good is life if it doesn't include that?" If time heals, maybe it does so by giving us the opportunity to figure out what we can do with what's left. Perhaps rebuilding yourself is a bit like confronting a whole closet of old clothes: you try on one piece at a time, seeing what still fits, if anything; what you still like enough to wear again; and what you're ready to consign to the past. What you end up with may not be much, but now there's space for new stuff.
If being PB's pharmacist doesn't fit you right now, feel free to pack it away for another season or relegate it to the past--with our thanks. It's just one piece. If you feel like trying on a few others here, have at it; no one can see what you don't want to expose, and you run little risk of hearing anything therapeutic (except accidentally).
Cleaning out closets (psychic or otherwise) takes time. (Hell, I haven't unpacked all the boxes from my mother's house after 2+ years! Of course, she lived in that house for 49 years and never threw anything away. Some of us are just more deliberate than others, too.) Be patient with yourself and trust others to do likewise.
Pax vobiscum---medlib
P.S. Lurking is okay, too; just remember to call home occasionally.
poster:medlib
thread:8530
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20010731/msgs/8663.html