Posted by paula on July 18, 2001, at 9:49:54
In reply to How can I tell my mother leave me alone, posted by dreamer on July 18, 2001, at 8:04:23
Dear Dreamer,
Your mom has put you through a lot of crap that you don't deserve. None of it is your fault, of course. Sounds really healthy to me that you've gotten angry! I agree, though, that it would be best to send a calm response to her--both so she can't write it off and so you can feel "good" about it.
First a methodological idea: You could try to just write whatever you're feeling and just what you want her to do, and then revise and revise and revise until it's not vitriolic.
The second idea is both less and more tricky. Less because it might be hard to de-fang an angry letter and more because it involves some vulnerability. Basically, I'm suggesting a letter that is completely honest about you and about her. I'll give a sample of what I mean (making some assumptions about what you're feeling--please forgive those!):
Dear Mom,
Your recent kind letter has confused me a bit. Nothing would please me more than to have a close relationship with my mother. Unfortunately you made this impossible a long time ago. Perhaps it was your own insecurities that drove you--that continue to drive you--to pull me down. If so, I'm sorry for that. Understand that you've torn up your "parenting card" and there's no way to put things to right. etc, etc....That's the basic idea. Just a rough sketch, of course! Maybe if you mix your rejection of her with some honesty and vulnerability you can short-circuit any bad response. Just my 2 (10?) cents.
Sending warm vibes your way. Hope this works out.
Paula
> My mother is a mental violent alchoholic she mentally abused me for a long time I lived in constant anxiety.
> She made me feel guilty that when I was born she got ill+ my father and brother left. I was left alone with her and her drunken paranioa and I may be wrong but I may have been sexually abused by her.
> If that wasn't enough she married someone who was nuts got ill took years to die and the graphic details are so nightmarish to write. This just a snippet of my crap childhood anyway from being withdrawn I got angry now I have no love or respect for her.
> How do I tell her I've had enough-she pulls me down makes me feel bad about myself I know it's bad but I've even fantasied about killing her.
> Without the anger how can I do it?
> I thought I'd got her out of my life but got a "nice" letter today asking to phone shall I call her or leave it.
> This I should be able to sort out for myself but I'm not to perky at the mo.
poster:paula
thread:7599
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20010717/msgs/7606.html