Posted by geekUK on July 17, 2001, at 19:53:13
In reply to I hate myself and I want to die., posted by kid_A on July 17, 2001, at 19:03:08
Hey,
I am scared of the possibility of this happening. my depakote may be having somewhat of an effect. I have not been happy or angry or anything but low down and trawling for about 7 days. breif snatches of something for a few mins. then settles back down. Just thought of an emilly bronte poem 'if this be all' I think it was her anyway, possibly not good reading now but a good poem It kind of sums up how I feel and maybe you feel similar. But I think that what I am missing is the flow and the power of the wind through the trees, and now its just a cold winters day becalmed. But I realise the wind kept wipping round the forest to its own will, taking me to the same old places, flinging me through the same sharp branches. I did not see the forest I saw the trees. I hope that in time spring will come and the wind will be my master, I will choose where to go and see places in the forest I have never seen before, places of beuty. I will walk amongs the bluebells, and feel the moss between my feet. to feel real.
Sorry got lost in that one for a while, I dont know If I helped, I hope you follow (dont have time for a proofing)
PS I lied, I mean by spring that once the rollercoaster is over I might be able to start to feel things as others do. To hit the reset button as it were.
> I hate to compete with someone else's horrible day, I guess I just don't know what to do. But I just don't have anywhere else to turn and I only hope that someone somehwere somehow has some form of empathy, some empathic ability within them, maybe, perchance, god willing, whatever that may mean, to understand what I am saying...
>
> What kind of story could I tell, a brief instance of 1 long doomed relationship, sparse and sporadic short and doomed relationships, unrequited love, self loathing, a lifetime of the combination of the two, a lifetime of drinking to get drunk, of drug abuse quelled by my own drive to get beyond abuse, yet still a life time of needing to get beyond my own self, to get as far away from myself mentally as possible; a life time of impossible hopes and dreams; a life time of broken promises and abusers; a life time of emptiness and loneliness even amoungst friends, lonliness in the midst of a crowd... Utter and deplorable self hatred and an inability to climb above my own spires of depression to clouds above... unable to climb the mountainous rocky wastes of black clifs and cravasses that fall to nowhere, climbing up a little and falling back down again to the wastes below... taking one step forward and two steps back...
>
> Week 6 on medication with a primary thrust of that being an interim dosage while i was out of the country... My moods flaten, oblique, they pan out and merge with the horizon, like the horizon at the merger of ocean and sky.... flat blue that sears together and becomes one thing, where up is down and there is no middle... then spikes of depression, black waves of anxiety amoungst the anhedonia and apathy, amoungst the lack of utter feeling... exclamation marks amountst the numbness of my every day life.
>
> And it looks like it may be this way for the rest of my life, that medication wont help, there is always that chance, I'm going to give it my best shot, I really do wan't to live, but when I look at myself, and see myself depressed, I don't want to live a life of depression, of infrequent highs and terifying lows, of switching from medication to medication to find something that works. I truly feel for all of you have gone through so much to find what works, who are still searching... It scares me half to death to think I might not ever be able to control my depression to lead a normal life, that one day I will die young, sad, and ignorant of what I could have been, of what life is like for people who can shake off the blues with an iron will and determined oh yeah, can do spirit....
>
> Calm blue ocean.
> Calm blue ocean.
> Calm blue ocean.
>
> does -anyone- know how I feel?
poster:geekUK
thread:7558
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20010717/msgs/7562.html