Posted by kazoo on July 2, 2001, at 3:15:59
In reply to The fool to my T., posted by Patches on July 1, 2001, at 13:45:21
> So many mixed feelings. Just need someone to put some perspective into it. I feel somewhat betrayed by my t. and yet ashamed of myself too. I've emailed my t. about once a week with his consent. Occasionally I've over-extended myself when things have come up. It felt assuring to know he was there for me. Well, last week I couldn't get through to him. His server was denying my access. He later told me his wife said that the server was more than likely linking my server to some spam that had gone through and had stopped any mail for the time under that server. I feel betrayed in that he shared my situation with his wife. I'm sure they had a good laugh together about my insecurities. I'm also so ashamed that I've shared too much of myself and my feelings with him. Somehow telling him made me feel not so alone dealing with past and present events. Now I just want to go back to hating myself and dealing with my anger myself - cutting (something I hadn't done for 2 months). I'm so ashamed of myself for bothering him with my problems. So ashamed of depending on him for so much. So ashamed of making a fool of myself. I didn't want to bother him with my emails. I was always asking for his approval for mailing. He said my asking for his approval was "unnecessary". Now I think he was just tolerating me... like everyone else in my life. I don't believe "his wife's" story of spam. I was the spam he wanted to be rid of! I feel so overwhelmed with sadness and loss. I just need to punish myself for my foolishness. It hurts to be such a fool!
^^^^^^^^^^^
Patches, my dear, the collective story they offered you is more than likely true, only they didn't explain it quite correctly (and I don't think they understood what was happening either). What probably happened was that his server went down due to a DOS (Denial of Service) attack. If you follow the news at all, you will know that these attacks happen at random, to anybody, and everybody, originating from either a disgruntled "client" he has, or from someone who's just plain nuts. A DOS means that the server is flooded with junk packets of information, which the server tries to process, but becomes overloaded and crashes, and this in turn denies anybody else from getting through, or email to be received. Thirteen year old boys seem to have a penchant, and talent, for doing these childish pranks (must be hormonal or something). This is what I think happened so don't blame your "T." or his old lady for something they couldn't control (but I bet they know now!). This stuff happens a lot lately, to the biggest and
the smallest of ISPs and private severs.
Remember: with this "new age" comes "new age harassment."So now that you know what the story is you can stop hating yourself, dispense with the shame, ignore the embarassment, quit putting yourself down, end the cutting, and once again trust your "T." as you had done so successfully in the past, to retain the rapport you have with him. And as far as his wife goes, she should have no bearing in your therapy at all, so the next time you think of her, think "DELETE KEY" and out she goes.
All that needless, enervating frustration from such a silly, little thing.
This new age ... BAH!
Have I been able to explain this clearly to you?
(a concerned) kazoo
poster:kazoo
thread:6975
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20010628/msgs/6987.html