Posted by mila on April 1, 2001, at 20:47:32
In reply to anger - an illness?, posted by Fred Potter on April 1, 2001, at 19:42:54
Fred,
anger is an emotion. thus, being angry, even chronically, doesn't necessarily mean illness, or condition. It only means that she is hurting and trying to punish the people who do this to her. if she is chronically angry and bitter ONLY in the family setting, then marriage counselling and maybe learning parenting skills might be an answer. If she is like that in EVERY other environment (work, friends, store clerks, etc.) then it might be symptomatic of some condition.
you must realize that angry people do hurt, but they only perceive themselves as strong and independent, and are unlikely to seek help. It is only when anger wears them out to the degree of becoming depressed, they might collapse and seek help.
right now you can do two things: 1) whenever she is angry ask her what hurt her so much. do not ask why she is angry, ask what hurts. 2) tell her that you feel there is something wrong with you and maybe your son, for you both seem to constantly trigger her unhappiness. Ask HER for help. Ask her to see a counsellor, or therapist as a part of the family. this will make her less of a target, or source of problems, and more willing to listen and, alas, maybe even to learn, or eventually seek help on her own.
please, keep reassuring her that you will support her in every circumstance: as her man, as her friend, and simply as a person. Let her know how sorry you are that being with you hurts her so much and let her know that you are 'willing to change', with her and some third party help.
I am telling this to you, because I had been such a wife and mother myself for a while, and I have seen such a dynamic in the couples that I have counselled. you both might be stuck in the blame game. you wonder whether her 'illness' is to blame, she is certain that it is you or your son are to blame.
try to rise above that point of view, and recognize that none of you knows how to cope, and that maybe someone else does and is willing to explore your situation with you and help you figure out some solutions, and support you as you are changing.
mila
poster:mila
thread:5438
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20010324/msgs/5439.html