Posted by shar on February 28, 2001, at 0:36:08
In reply to Re: Part of Me Doesn't Want to Get Well » ShelliR, posted by Todd on February 24, 2001, at 23:22:13
This issue really boils down to opinions, so I will express mine, and any use of the word "you" is meant in the generic sense, and "we" is the royal "we" of course.
I have a hard time with this theory or concept or whatever. I used to believe it. "What am I getting out of feeling suicidal?" That was prior to my 20+ years of serious talk therapy.
Then, a few years ago I figured that if talk therapy was gonna significantly alleviate my depression, and I had really worked hard, it would have done so by then. And I had certainly changed and given up a large number of "depressive" thoughts and behaviors, not to mention the plain old maturation process.
In therapy, in the real world, I believe we give things up, we regress, we experience the original pain again, we resist, we learn to nurture ourselves more (one hopes), we hold on to stuff, we let go, and sometimes there are things we will improve but may never entirely resolve (such as being completely at ease around a parent that abused us). All those things go on at different times about different issues. And none of it is very linear.
With all due respect, and IMHO, to say that any of them represent a true desire to stay sick is akin to a slap in the face. Even if a doc backs up and says "Well, maybe not a TRUE desire to stay sick..." the fact that anyone would think that and voice it gets me in my gut. It is, IMHO, an unhealthy perspective.
My depression had a childhood onset, and like other posters have said, I hid it pretty well, remained functional for the most part, and I don't recall much gain from it. I did not like to talk about it, and my family certainly didn't proffer tea and sympathy because of it.
Did I resist change in therapy? Yes. Did I make changes? Yes. Did I regress instantaneously in some situations? Yes. Have I improved my regressions for the most part? Yes. Will I always have some issues that will cause me to act in a way that is not in my best interest? Yes. Will I deal with this in varying degrees for the rest of my life? Yes. It just is not a black and white issue.
William Styron addresses some of these issues throughout his book "Darkness Visible" and has a different perspective. The perspective of watching his friends watch him as he became more and more depressed, and how uncomfortable it became for them to see him. That is much more in line my experience.
Shar
poster:shar
thread:4784
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20010209/msgs/4852.html