Posted by alexandra_k on December 23, 2013, at 20:18:34
she seems really nice.
she... listens. and she understands. and i don't need to slow down or use simple words or anything.
so that is nice.
the assessment went really well. the initial meeting. i think... they find me interesting... which i sort of have mixed feelings about... on the one hand... i do want people who appreciate some of what i can do and who are willing to help me work towards some of the things i want... instead of some other weird combination of not even seeing what i can do but also thinking what i can do is good enough...
but on the other hand... it makes me feel a bit like a freak. a novelty. something. pressure to perform? not sure. worried i'll... dissapoint. something. worried... i'm... misleading? i said i feel bad about 'autistic spectrum' being applied to me... that there is clearly a difference between me and individuals who are seriously delayed in language acquisition etc.
(mostly because i don't want to undermine or somehow negate or threaten any sort of assistance that should be given to parents of children who are severely affected. it is one thing to talk about how it is just a different way of being in the high functioning case... it is something else to say that to the parents of the kid who doesn't speak and flaps away to themself in the corner... i mean... there are similarities and differences... anyway... i have reservations...)
olympic weightlifting: the same 2 lifts over and over and over. 6 training sessions per day the bulgarians did ahahaha.
shot put: round and round we go. god dammit how i wanted to learn to hammer throw...
isn't life a blast.
sigh.
i think it is hard for me to get to see a p-doc... mostly because i don't want particularly to be medicated. and so... it is hard. but she seems nice. which means something. in terms of crisis stuff. i don't know.
there was a nurse in the meeting, too. a guy. he mostly listened. he seemed nice, though. my next appointment is with him. i didn't quite know what to ask for in the intake assessment. ended up saying about 'social skills training' (about how there seemed to be some kind of autism check as part of the med school interview ahaha) and... some kind of crisis plan. to... prevent things from getting to a bad place. because things will of course get stressful for me next year. i wanted stuff in place so that things don't get real bad. miscommunication... like when i jumped.
she said they would have an inter-disciplinary team meeting then someone would email me. then a few days later... nobody had emailed me, so i went back.
had a slight wobbly. i guess. because that is the only way things get done. i don't know. anyway... not sure what i'm trying to say... whatever. she came out and i said i didn't believe her that someone would email me. that someone was bound to make an executive decision: 'we don't do emails' and then i wouldn't get contacted at all... most clinicians would (unnecessarily) get defensive at that point. make all kinds of promises about what other people would or would not do (that are outside their power to keep). but she didn't. she just said my name. and not in a reprimanding tone. so...
the thing is: it doesn't matter whether i trust them to email me or not...
i said i'd be back on monday if i didn't get an email by then.
and i got an email. uh... maybe a couple minutes before i arrived at the clinic even. so... if i had a smart phone to check my emails that would have helped... perhaps...
anyway...
new p-doc. she seems... one of the better ones i've encountered thus far to be sure.
hopefully this meeting will go well with the nurse on the 9th. then we will see...
i don't know that i want to push to see a psychologist - because that means CBT, usually... i don't know... i don't think i've met a psychologist yet whom i related to particularly well... except for kathy... the historian. ha. maybe that isn't fair of me...
i think i need to not prejudge things... if there is anyplace in this country that is set up to deal with people (roughly) like me... it is here... and my past troubled treatment... well... that is more than 10 years ago... the past file notes have been chucked ffs.
moving on...
poster:alexandra_k
thread:1056904
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20131211/msgs/1056904.html