Posted by AMB on March 20, 2013, at 9:36:04
> > He said "it's like when you have sex on the third date and then they think it's a relationship, You never said it's a relationship, but they believe what they want to believe".
>
> First, I agree with baseball55 about being entirely honest with your therapist, and with your DBT therapist as well. Some of the best work I did with my therapist came from discussing my feelings about the therapy relationship itself. You wouldn't think it, but it really does have an effect on the relationships outside therapy as well.
>
> But didn't the above statement change your feelings about him? It's kind of insensitive and implies that he gets into bed with women knowing that the realities of the relationship might hurt them, but without clarifying those realities sufficiently to allow them to make a valid choice.
>
> My therapist has made statements from time to time that have definitely lessened my idealization of him. Not precisely that statement, but statements of a similar level of... disillusioning.
>
> In some ways I wish he hadn't. But in other ways I recognize the value of seeing him not only with the flaws I see *in* therapy, but also the flaws in his own nature.
Yes in a way it did change, though didn't lessen my feelings for him (as maybe they should have). Since seeing him on the site he is more an attractive man to me and less as the idealized pdoc, and that's what's made it so much harder- it seems so REAL. I think many in his profession will hide their pictures on any social sites. In fact, a couple of professional men who had asked me out kept their pics hidden for this very reason. I think it's hard for most patients to know this info about their pdoc/therapist, isn't it? I know he likes beer and wine, he plays hockey, does yoga, has kids the same ages as mine, has similar views on politics, etc...In all fairness to him, I just don't think he thought it would affect me. He pushed me to do it, so he must've known I'd see him on the site- we are the exact same demographic. And he may have expected me to say something a year ago when it first came up, and since I didn't, assumes it's not an issue for me. The comment about sex was weird. Not really inappropriate, but weird. It made me see him as a typical newly single guy. He could have been my friend or brother talking to me instead of my doctor. And to my rational side, yes it confirmed that he's a bit insenstive in that regard and is all wrong for me. But my dysfunctional side of me still wants to be someone he's attracted to or just care about. I feel very childish and just want him to like me. I do believe that us talking it out would help to squash the fantasy, but as you can tell by your quoted comment, he tends to put his foot in his mouth. I wonder if talking to my dbt therapist and asking her to somehow bring it up with him first is a possiblity? I don't know how that would work though. I'm just afraid if I catch him off guard he'll say something that in his mind is just being honest but to me will do more harm than good...I tend to put up with insensitive behavior from men, and idealize them for a long time. So I will not be easily dissilusioned in the sense that I'll like him less...
poster:AMB
thread:1040555
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20130309/msgs/1040714.html