Posted by floatingbridge on September 17, 2011, at 0:50:49
In reply to Re: I couldn't pick my parents, but my therapists...? » floatingbridge, posted by Dinah on September 15, 2011, at 8:57:47
Dinah, I did discuss this in therapy this week, and I think my therapist gave me similar counsel, which really hit home.
She told me, painful as it was, to squeeze all the value I could out of this experience because it was valuable, and not just because I suffered.
In therapy I took the next step which was, if we recreated my father, we recreated my teenage self. That was even more sobering. It was incredibly sad because I had to be the
rational one, I had to talk my way out of everything, his and my problems both. I don't want to be over 50 and feel so back to scratch and bereft. Let down. I told her I wanted my father to be like Atticus Finch from To Kill a Mockingbird to which she laughed and said, I think most of us wish he was our father.Eh. Just to have the accusations and distrust recreated when I was being so damn good and taking responsibility for everything. I know that isn't right, but it's how it was. Both times. I'm working on it.
She congratulated me to, and I was so quick to deflect her validation. But I told her so, how painful it was for me to really accept her validation. That's when the cloud of yeah, but I didn't want to have to be the one who finally survived by her wits again when what I really wanted was a bridge of trust reallyndescended. Well, yes it takes two. Maybe going forward I will be more aware that my desire for trust and connection outweighs my desire to avoid it. Sigh.
She thinks (I think) I need to get my records soon. I have contacted an advocacy group to work with me. In her manner of not eliciting alarm when she herself seems disturbed, she thinks the records are important and only mentioned once, trying with a light touch, that maybe he wants to avoid a lawsuit. (I am not interested in a lawsuit.)
I think it upsets dedicated, ethical practioners when they hear of ethical breaches that are then covered up rather than admitted to as perhaps a series of missteps.
Anyways she says it is very good for me to be discussing this even though I am (or was) reluctant. Now that I see the value in my discussions (as opposed to bitching) my reluctance is fading. I am also placing getting my records higher on my to-do list.
I dig a pony.
poster:floatingbridge
thread:996814
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20110823/msgs/996979.html