Posted by Annabelle Smith on April 3, 2011, at 20:30:51
My big decision comes down to a lose-lose situation. Both programs are win-win. It's not about the programs, but is about the therapeutic relationship. I MUST stay; but I feel like I also have to get away. The need to get away stems from the push that I sometimes feel in our relationship. I think I am afraid of staying here and committing to the relationship-- it is easier to leave him before he leaves me. To go to Boston might be to run away. And to remain away from the source of what could be my healing.
Sometimes I think that I could just go to Boston and leave this all behind-- pretend like I am fine and have no problems. Start over. But I don't think that will work for too long. Maybe.
Maybe I am fine. Maybe I am not. I don't know. Maybe I am making it all up. Maybe I am just a fake. But I feel so lost.
I feel so enraged, angry, furious.
Lost, empty, hopeless, sick, nauseated, dizzy, trapped, terrified. I feel so angry. mad. mad. mad. I hate-- I feel like I physically need to tear into something, destroy something.
But then I feel like I have no right to feel any of these things. I feel so enraged and angry.
It's not like another therapist could never help me. Rather, it's that my current sickness comes from an unresolved feeling that only my current therapist can help me solve-- because the unresolution is with him. I have to resolve certain things with him, only him. No other person can help me get over this unresolution, because it is not with another.
I do not need to be with my therapist forever. I do get very sad when I think that one day I will never be able to talk to him again. It is worse than any other relationship, because at least with others, it is possible to check in from time to time, after we leave. The point is that the possibility is there, even if we never do contact the other again-- for ex. a professor or mentor. But here, it is completely over. It makes me feel like I would be crazy. If I could even call like once a month for a little while or send one email two or three times per year, it would make it better, maybe. Maybe not. I wonder if this is a part of therapy that is more harmful than good. And I don't know what to do about it.
I am lost, and I don't know what to do.
Part of this attachment is transference-- so it's fake?
Part of it is because he is really helping me, and because I feel the courage to branch out and do new things that are scary when I know I have his support.My thoughts feel so pressured. Sometimes my speech feels pressured too. But there are such a pressure of thoughts that it is hard to know what to talk about. I recall something, then forget, then recall it again, then forget. Coming and going flux.
I feel sad and lost. I want help.
I keep thinking I should just be able to snap out of it-- think differently and be well. Maybe I still can. Maybe nothing is wrong with me. But maybe I can't. I don't know how.
poster:Annabelle Smith
thread:981888
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20110324/msgs/981888.html