Posted by Annabelle Smith on April 1, 2011, at 21:07:41
In reply to Re: Is it OK?, posted by pegasus on April 1, 2011, at 10:35:55
Thank you, Peg, for your affirmation.
When I read this, my eyes filled with tears. Thank you for telling me that it is OK.
The word that I have for this is terrifying. This is all so terrifying.
I sense a push-pull in our therapeutic relationship. Part of me wonders if the drive to go to Boston is really just an expression of the push-- of the fear of committing to working with my therapist here and really facing what is inside. I have at times felt the need to run from him-- to end the relationship. But I simultaneously am afraid that he is going to leave me, and that is so, so terrfiying. I feel like I will dissipate and not exist fully without this relationship. If the drive to go to Boston is really a pushing of him away within this relationship, then I think even more that I must stick to this relationship and work through the push-pull. Maybe it's not about Boston or that program at all but is about a terrfiying feeling at the center of what is the most important and life-sustaining connection for me right now.
I can't go and I can't stay.
But I think I must stay, because the thought of going makes me feel like I just can't make it right now. The grief will be unresolved and unbearable, and will haunt me forever.
I will feel dissipated. I feel dissipated now.
Scattered.
Dispersed.
F r a g m e n t e d . . .
poster:Annabelle Smith
thread:981607
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20110324/msgs/981685.html