Posted by Annabelle Smith on January 1, 2011, at 18:49:24
I had a bad phone session with my therapist on Friday-- I needed this session so badly, and during the session, everything went wrong. I think it was hard for us to hear each other, but nearly every single thing that I wanted to talk about, wasn't talked about. Sometimes he would want to draw out points that I didn't want to talk about-- we would argue from our different persepectives: I would tell him the truth, that I do feel dependent and attached, and he would offer a "counter voice" that said, no, I am not dependent because I often disagree with what he says.
But I do feel merged-- something terrible has happened to me. Because of this merging, I am in bondage. He feels like safety, God, and self and the relationship borders on the source of "the" unnameable haunting feeling that escapes my every attempt to articulate and that which others can't understand.
I feel so alone.
I just want somebody to know, I am suffering.
It has to do with everything-- my therapist, feeling eternally alone, my mom (we spend every evening together, just the two of us alone-- she loves me but I can't get away).
I am so exhausted.
I am ready to leave this life-- my time feels like it should be done. If there is a God I want this God to have mercy and take me.
I want out, out, out. I need a way out.
I can't stand this any longer. It is hell and death is better.
poster:Annabelle Smith
thread:975523
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20101228/msgs/975523.html