Posted by Annabelle Smith on December 18, 2010, at 22:31:32
In reply to Re: words and labels, posted by pegasus on December 17, 2010, at 11:49:45
>> "It's crystal clear from here that it's very real."
Thank you so much, Pegasus and Emmanuel. I just want somebody to hear me and believe me, and I think as you are right to put it, Peg, see me. I do want to feel seen and that is what I feel by my current therapist.
You know it is like when you have the EXACT thing you need right in front of you, but it is too good to be true. That's how I feel about my therapist. He is the one to help me. It is really hard to find good therapists skilled in DBT-- there aren't that many. It's also hard to find someone who takes seriously the things that matter to me, like my search for God and self. Unlike my experience with every other MHP, with him I do not feel patronized, my feelings do not feel dismissed, and I feel connected. If somebody has cancer and they are receiving healing help from a doctor, then they will stick with this doctor as long as they need to get better. They have to, as their life depends upon it. That is how I feel about my therapist-- I feel like my life depends upon working with him.
We have worked together from Feb-April, were apart from May-late Oct. and have reinitated from late-Oct to now (7-8 sessions?) I know that I have until the first week of May with him. But I feel like I need longer, at least the summer, and maybe even until next Dec/Jan. I feel like I am just now getting onto the verge of really doing therapty-- it seems like what we have been doing for the past months is not therapy but pre-therapy. There is so much that I need to tell him.
I need his help.This is my cancer. No one can see it, but I know it is killing me. I want to believe that I am free to stay in my city and work with him. Really, if I need it, why not? Surely I could rent a place, and find a coffeshop to work in or be a nanny...whatever. Is is weird to want to stay longer in my town to work with my therapist? It is not forever...just for a bit longer. I feel like I am following him around or something...but this is about my health, my life, and getting my eventual indepencence, which at this moment, I cannot have. I just can't-- I am too attached and that is how it is.
I think I could relax a bit in sessions if I just knew that I had a little longer with him...if our time together was indefinite at this point. As it stands, my death date is early May and that is ALL that I see looming. If you could just put yourself in my place...maybe you Emmanuel, as you mention how you feel about your therapist. We know we need help but imagine that this one person who is right for you, who can help you, will be gone on a set date. Forever.
This sounds extreme, I know, but I swear to God I am telling you the truth-- the reality of this eternal separation from what I most need right now makes me think I have to kill myself. I try to tell myself there doesn't have to be such a date if I am not ready but I don't know. When I go online to look at jobs for the summer or next year in my town, I get overwhelmed, like on Thursday night. That night, I began searching jobs and internships, got overwhelmed, and began searching suicide methods and feeling like this is really how it will end one day.
please, please, please believe me.
I know that I am not really powerless, but that is how I feel. I feel like I can't function on my own after I graduate. I need my therapist to help me get better, but don't have time. I even feel like I have wasted the precious time I do have with him.
Dear God.
poster:Annabelle Smith
thread:973748
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20101115/msgs/973952.html