Posted by Annabelle Smith on December 11, 2010, at 14:15:17
In reply to Re: no thoughts? » Annabelle Smith, posted by obsidian on December 11, 2010, at 9:48:18
Thanks, Sid,
It's all that I can think about-- feeling so big and needing to lose weight. Sometimes I feel like it is worth anything to be really thin; if I could just go a while without eating; skip one meal a day and cut down from there; I've thought about the syrup, but have researched it a ton and there are lots of risks with it-- it might be a way to go. Last year, I lost my appetite with depression and lost a very noticeable amount of weight. I literally couldn't eat. Now I feel so terribly anxious, that I all want to do is eat.
One more thing. I am having a hard time with how to think about my therapist. I've written on here before about the over-idealization and dependency. I know that the way I see him is not how he really is, and what I want him to be, he can't be. He can't care and be present in the way that I want him to be. I can't make it without him-- to leave feels like death. I find myself wanting to be just like him, what he does, what he thinks, how he acts: I see his degree from NY in his office, and it makes me idealize NYC and want to go there for grad school (I am applying to a seminary there, but not, I think or hope, just because of this), I sometimes pretend to be like him in my interactions with others-- using words and mannerisms like he uses. I have drawn an entire web of associations to him-- things related to this fall make me think of him; I have even idealized other people-- like my professor who is the pyschotherapist who knows my therapist. And when I see this prof, I see my therapist. He is even someone that I would idealize outside of therapy-- as a person, I think he's really cool. I look at his bookshelf, and he has all of these books on postmodern philosophy, existentialism, religion, and psychoanalysis. I feel a connection to him just through this.
This is really bad. In one of our class/seminar sessions in the post-Freudian theory class I was taking this term, the professor told the class something that I will share here. We read an entire book on idealization/over-idealization and religion. In relation to this, my professor said that IT [being over-idealized by a patient] THANKFULLY DOESN'T HAPPEN OFTEN, BUT WHEN HE IS HIGHLY IDEALIZED BY A CLIENT, HE BECOMES VERY CONCERNED. First of all, the way I feel doesn't happen often-- it's pathological? Secondly, I bet my therapist shares my professor's sentiments, but would NEVER tell me. How do I stop??? I have tried to read books and literature on attachment theory to fix it myself, but I can't! I can't think my way out of this, it is something much more deep, primal, and emotional. What is wrong??
I can already see the day that I have to tell him bye forever, and this feels like it will hurt me maybe more than therapy has been able to help me.
I feel so enraged and jealous and out of control. My secret is that I feel jealous not so much of the other clients but really the other students who work with my therapist. We've already talked on here how he gave me the option to work with him after he left the counseling center last spring. I don't know what I was thinking, but probably that I didn't think I could afford it, so I started working with another therapist. I am so jealous of the other students who went with him since August. If I had done that, I might be a lot better off now. But I lost all of that time. I want to know who these other students are-- I probably see them everyday across campus. I am so jealous of them, and the more they are like me, the more jealous I feel. I really can't tell my therapist this-- it is so selfish. But I feel jealous of people a lot.
poster:Annabelle Smith
thread:973063
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20101115/msgs/973181.html