Posted by Marie Box on May 2, 2010, at 23:26:05
In reply to Re: Want to quit, but do I need to 'fess up, first?, posted by Marie Box on May 1, 2010, at 15:59:29
Ahgh, sorry, I just won't stop dwelling on this.
I think that I do look up to my therapist as somewhat of a mother-figure (a role model? a mentor?), and I want to confide in her, be nurtured by her, and make her proud of me.
I want to know that she loves me, too, but not like a mother or a love interest or anything. Just that she does care about me and feel a little protective about me and she is invested in my well-being. Like... maybe she COULD actually be proud of me. A little bit. You know? Is that out of line?
I don't want to think that she is cold and removed and totally unaffected by me. That she's a robot. That the greatest capacity for feelings that she could have towards me is maybe just boredom or annoyance. If a therapist can feel boredom or annoyance in response to a patient, could a therapist feel warmth, pride, and caring? I know that she has a life outside of me (duh), and I would never want to have the power to control her happiness or overall well-being (that's too scary and too much responsibility), but it's so hard to think that I could care so much about her and I don't matter to her at all.
I'm afraid to tell her about any of this because I'm afraid that she'll tell me she can't work with me anymore. Because I know that the only way I know how to present it at the moment is that "Therapy sucks and it takes over my thoughts and I don't think it's good for me and I don't think I should do it anymore because I become too preoccupied with it/you." And I'm afraid she'll say, "Why, yes, you are right," instead of, "It's okay to care about me. I care about you, but not in any way that could negatively impact you, me, or the therapy we have together. I can handle your feelings, and I want to be there for you, and I'm glad that you feel these positive feelings for me because I think that's a good sign that therapy could be working." Would the latter be hoping for too much?
I hate how much I think about this and I'm mad at myself for letting this happen and I'm mad at my therapist for letting this happen, even though neither one of us probably has much control over it. Though, I could probably control how much I think about it--because when I'm really sucked in, I start to think about it all the time.
I feel so foolish, but she's giving me--the REAL me, not the fake me--all the things that I've wanted for so long. I just don't know what to do with it or where to go next. It is scary and painful for me, so I pull back and withdraw and devalue her. And then I feel guilty about that, too. Because she's great (though DEFINITELY not perfect and sometimes a little hokey and irritating. but I get what she is trying to do.).
Ahhhghhhhhh.
poster:Marie Box
thread:945106
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20100425/msgs/946067.html