Posted by Helana on December 17, 2009, at 19:59:51
In reply to Re: Longing for Ts kindness, posted by Dewd on December 17, 2009, at 18:55:14
It's so weird because as I started reading I was starting to tear up and that's weird for me cuz i don't usual do that. Even when someone writes me something really sweet I usually just think oh that's nice. But for some reason it means so much that you understand. And of course it's okay for you to say as little or as much as you want...you can do whatever you want :) keep going down...I write above your paragraphs if I have to so I don't miss anything lol
> I couldnt help but just be touched by what you said, im so honored that you would share all this :) i feel like crying because thats exactly how i feel but my cousing and sister are in the living room hehehe ill cry as a text :`( I have so much to talk about i hope its okay for me to write alittle bit only right now im feeling alittle overwhelmed, im so touched that what i wrote was what you went through and that it helped to know ur not alone :)
This paragragh is so me. That and I also just could not believe that she would ACTUALLY care!! You know what I mean? I just felt like I know she cares but that's her job. and even now I'm still afraid to be completely needy because I feel like i'm soooo needy and that because it's her job it won't come natural to her to want to care for me and I am afraid of the rejection. My T says she will be her for me for as long as I need her...one time I said nine years and she was like that's totally fine. I told her recently when she asked me if I wanted to stay in therapy for ever I said you make it sound like there's only one answer and she said so answer. I told her yes, I want to stay in therapy forever. (why wouldn't I?) and she said wow...you are very honest. (ok) I'm afraid to be needy so I hold back yet I still feel super needy.
> i dont know, you know, like for me when i first began coming to therapy i resisted it soooo much, i tried to pretend i was getting better i was afraid to have needs i wanted to be self sufficient so that i could impress her, then later on in the therapy like about a year into my therapy it began to be more of a warm place you know like you can be yourself and stuff, i gave her this gift that i worked a long time and she was so touched it made her day, i still remember her wonderful smile too,
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This part creeped me out and gave me butterfly's at the same time cuz i really sometimes question my t's behavior and wondered if it was ethical and to hear you say what your t does makes me feel so much better...like I don't have to fear my t's behavior. Especially the part about yours wispering in ur ear..my t does that ALL THE TIME! lol...I actually wondered for a moment if we had the same T lol. I am so glad you have a wonderful T and that you can let that child part of you heal. She sounds like a wonderful T and what's even more wonderful is that she's willing to see a supervisor to do whatever it takes to help you grow and be happier.
> later we began to hug after sessions and i would say im sorry im so needy, she would gently whisper its okay dont be sorry, those moments in my therapy were so special i revealed this other side of me, the little child in me asking to be held and wanting to be loved,the neeedy child who always wept in the rain and no one would notice, she noticed and that ment so much that she was loving to heal my wounds...
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I know it hurts when they say they aren't our friends. My T always said we were friends and I would argue (playfully imo) with her because I said the first time we argued so wanna go out for coffee then, and another time I invited her to a celine dion concert. It bothered me that she would say we were friends yet we couldn't act like what friends were, but I'm starting to realize through things that you are saying that everything is still the same and she is my friend just not in the traditional sense and ur right she really does care for me, otherwise why would she still be so caring when I can push her so far away when I am very hurt and get extremely distant? THank you for helping me see that!> ...when i said i know we cant be friends outside of therapy but i know were still friends in here right? it was tough for her to say that we werent friends in the traditional sence, although she thought of our relationship as special, she thought about me as special, she would tell me she really enjoys working with me and her supervisor told me she speaks very highly of me, it was so wonderful to hear all those things you know, for me growing up with little praise from others, and approval she means the world to me.but when she told me she wasnt my friend i felt abandoned like the deepest need in my heart was cut off, man im tearing up again lol
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poster:Helana
thread:929583
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20091212/msgs/929762.html