Posted by obsidian on September 11, 2009, at 12:41:48
In reply to Re: when I hate myself, sometimes I just have to......, posted by Garnet71 on September 10, 2009, at 22:32:06
thanks for asking...
it's a lot of things
I started again after some period of abstinence to smoke pot, for about a week and a half
in the course of this I stopped taking 50mgs of seroquel and went down to 25mgs- big deal right? it's such a small dose, but with the combo of the pot and the seroquel I had a hard time getting up in the morning.
Meanwhile, I told my pdoc neither of these things, and he has instructed me to take less effexor over the next couple of weeks (as part of an overall medication change that will hopefully address my anxiety and mood)
I have this urge to give up on all of it- the meds I mean. My T seems to think I am in some type of denial...I tend to think I am the creator of my problems.
At the same time however, (and this puzzles me) I am a bit angry and/or feeling needy in terms of my relationship with my T and pdoc.
I sort of think they should both give up on me or that they are indeed giving up on me. Sabotaging myself? I don't know, probably. I am just tired of everything. I had been doing well (exercising a lot, eating better, feeling better because of it), but a medical problem came along and disrupted that habit as it interfered with physical activity for some time. It was my anti-pot for a while, now I am going with the path of least resistance which means apathy, escape and f*ck-it-all.
I am also angry about other things like needing to move soon for financial reasons, frustration with my career choice and generally feeling like one big loser.
I guess I don't want to try anymore, but I know that I have to, and I am angry about it.
I know things could be worse, I know I have a lot of things to be grateful for, but there it is...
So now, before starting to lower the effexor I've decided to give myself a few days off the pot, on the 50mgs of seroquel for a few days with some added exercise, so as to not f*ck up this part of my medication change.
thanks,
sid
poster:obsidian
thread:916442
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20090907/msgs/916497.html