Posted by FindingMyDesire on May 11, 2009, at 23:37:23
In reply to Re: Still getting post session migraines and trigger » FindingMyDesire, posted by Dinah on May 10, 2009, at 17:37:35
Dinah, I ended up posting about me here (hope that's OK.)
I don't feel like I survived my T going out on maternity leave for three months. In some ways I don't think I'm truly over it. It's often something I think I should talk more to her about, but I'm not sure even what I would say. I can say that almost every session I try to size her up wondering if she is pregnant again. I'm not sure why I think knowing sooner rather than later would help, but I'm just trying to have a sense of control about it I guess. I told her angrily in a letter once that when she gets pregnant again I will have to say goodbye - not only because I couldn't take her leaving again but because I have been trying to get pregnant for almost two years and can't. I see her as NORMAL while I'm not normal I guess. (Her having a husband and me being a lesbian.) Of course I'm assuming she will have a second. I asked her and she said that was a personal question. Then she added vaguely and reluctantly that her family hadn't decided yet. I think she realized right there that she was totally going to lose me if she cut me off completely from asking this terrifying question. Anyway, I totally considered erasing myself when she left. So, I saw a temporary replacement while she was gone. All I did was cry. Seriously. I went to the appointment and most of the time I sobbed and expressed my incredible anger towards her for being gone and clearly not really caring about me. It was ridiculous. She was HAVING A BABY. I felt pity for the replacement T - an intern - who mostly looked helplessly at me. I mean, she was totally present and supportive, but could make no progress towards comforting me. Gosh, when I think about it now I'm just so embarrassed. But you know what? It would happen like that all over again. I just know it. And I don't care how long we have worked on the attachment and connection I'm supposed to learn how to hold onto in between sessions. I just don't think I could bare it. Really. I guess I still feel like she has my soul in her hands and could crush me at any second. I feel like she did crush me. I don't know how I ever returned to her. How did I do that? At least now I truly believe and somehow know that she would never do that to me on purpose - crush me that is. That's a step. But as a result of her simply needing to live her life? Definitely could happen. She could decide not to get her license or continue with this profession. She could move. She could retire someday. Haha. That's funny. (It would be awhile.) Something could happen to her or someone in her family. (Of course I worry about this one all the time. That would be so horrible for so many other reasons of course because I love her and never want anything bad to happen to her.) Therapy is just such a weird, weird relationship. It's super hard. I do wonder sometimes if it's worth it. Sometimes I wish I wasn't a sensitive person who needed depth in my life or in my interactions with people. If I could just float through life oblivious to myself and my needs... wouldn't that be better?
That all just ended up being about me. Anyway, I think I kind of get the pain around feeling abandoned by a T and "surviving" it. I mean I know we have attachments of different kinds, and you have had yours for much longer. How long has it been? But anyway, guess I've been thinking a lot about your post.
Hope the migraines have subsided. Do you get them on one side? Do you have that hangover feeling the next day? Do you get sick from them too?
:-)
FMD> I try to practice radical acceptance.
>
> I know I did survive his absence. I even remember that we had agreed to email while he was in Europe, but he was so awful at email that I told him to please quit emailing me, and that I wouldn't contact him by email anymore. I was much less upset when I didn't hear from him at all. I'd be just starting to slog along without crying all the time when I'd hear from him and it would start all over again.
>
> But that whole period of time has such a negative space in my brain that I don't think I feel particularly confident of my ability to do without him.
>
> But acceptance, yes. I'd just as well.
>
>
poster:FindingMyDesire
thread:894869
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20090421/msgs/895309.html